Humor (?) Article

Drinking Ice Water from a Mason Jar In the Sunny Morning

By Matt Shirley

Drinking ice water from a mason jar in the sunny morning is the newest sensation, and all the kids are just buzzing about it. Ice shares are through the roof, and Prego reported a net gain of ten thousand percent over the last fiscal year (which is similar to a calendar year except that the calendar is made of money), meaning that this new market trend might stick around for at least a quarter or two. Some politicians on either side of the aisle are now wondering if this isn’t a dangerous new staple of hipster accessorizing.

“Traditionally, I would expect the drinking of ice water from mason jars in the sunny morning to be a relic of depression-era scare tactics by third parties promoting fringe policies,” says Senator Lindsey Cherry Honeysuckle (D-Arkansas), “but as devoted husband, really, a devoted husband and father of six-er-one child, the fact that it’s become so popular with young people really puts my bag of ice cubes in a bucket.”

The process itself of drinking ice water from a mason jar in the sunny morning is a relatively simple procedure, consisting of taking a mason jar, filling it with ice (frozen water), turning on the tap and placing the jar underneath to catch the rushing water. Once the water is trapped, thermal equilibrium melds the temperatures between the ice and the water to make the water taste colder than it was from the tap.

The last step before the process is complete is going outside as to see the sun, so the sun can see you.

Doctors say the effect of the sun on the Mason jar is a simple illumination, but a powerful one. “In the cylindrical jar, two planes illuminate between the bottom of the glass and the water line,” Doctor Horatio Hornsucker (I-Nevada) said. “The light shimmers against the water, inducing a mind-altering state of which few really break from.”

“Uhh,” said James “McDice-Ski” Macaroon (X-Rhode Island), a sophomore at University of Oslo.

His fellow student, Jimmy “Punching Bag for a Fucking Face ‘Cause He’s a Little Bitch” Smith (å -Sweden) had these words: “It’s like drinking water in Technicolor. Whoa, I’m so liberal.”

Concerned parents are definitely not left from the equation. Many of whom are buying bottles of water and sticking them in refrigerators, in an effort to scare their children straight, including Betty Spew (&-California).

“I heard that gay Mexicans are puttin’ Peyote tabs and mint extract in Mason jars and selling them at discounted rates so the kids get addicted then have to apply for a frequency card to get on the Gay Mexicans’ mailing list in order to get stronger Peyote and more refined mint,” Betty spewed in a blur before taking a deep breath and blowing cigarillo smoke in her infant twins’ faces.

Some parents out of Texas (R-Texas) have gone as far as to join a local parish to form an anonymous group to deal with those addicted to this solution, forming the DIWMJSM-A led by Friar S. Roast ( :) -Friarland). “Socrates drank Hemlock from a Mason jar, which has inspired these children, our children, my children to wake every morning with the permanent reminder of suicide lingering upon their heads. Although there was a terrific picture on the cover of US Weekly of Val Kilmer drinking ice water from a Mason jar in a sunny morning. I think it was in Acapulco. He was shooting The Saint 2: Touchy, Feely, according to the magazine and…oh, wait, you know, I think it was Sidney Poiter. Just wait, I’ve got the copy somewhere around here. God, I beg of you to deliver this-oh, found it. Ah, it was Val Kilmer. And yep, Mason jar. Say what you will of his small talent and horrible acting choices, the guy can still set a trend.”