The Top Ten Worst Possible 'Roids Reveals

Ortiz is out. It's done. Here's the worst-case scenarios for me:

You know, I was listed on that '03 steroids list. Look at how my weight ballooned:





Superbad.

Anyway, I think the top ten I'm-never-believing-in-baseball-again steroids list would be as follows:

1: Hall of Famers from the last five years - Specifically Ripken and Rickey, although at this point, I don't even want to look at their career numbers and think about it

2: Pedro - I wasn't in the area during his golden years, but I respect history and want to believe that one man could be this talented.

3: Pujols - Unequivocal for the hitters. He's the best hitter in baseball, one of the best men in baseball, a hero in his day. For him to be caught would shatter.

4: Griffey - That's my childhood that's being messed with. His career follows the arc of someone who didn't use, so I want to simply believe that

5: Any star from the 2005 draft - Braun, Ellsbury, ZIMMERMAN, Justin Upton, those are the guys that I want to believe are the next generation of stars. It would be terrible to see them go down.

6: Jamie Moyer - A few months ago, I had to work both ends of a Phils-Gnats double-header. Between games, one man (IN DC) stayed to sign autographs. I just want to know that Moyer didn't do it out of guilt. It's doubtful that he did, and yet, he's 47 years old and still pitching.

7: Jeter - As a kid, Jeter was the face of baseball, no matter where you were. He's someone who's never brought the cameras where they shouldn't have gone. He's one of the 7 best shortstops of all time. I don't want him to fall; he transcends the sport.

8: '70's stars in the Hall of Fame - For those guys, from the color(ed) era of baseball to be users. I mean, if the drugs were available, it's possible to assume...Pudge, Reggie, the Big Red, etc. It would say that our grounds for distrusting everything 1993 and later is totally off base, and the last thirty years of baseball are in question

9: Maddux/Glavine/Smoltz - No explaination necessary

10: McGwire/Manny/Pettite - It's far from over, concerning these guys' peers, and that's enough to make every name on this list a possibility.

Cookin' with Cubs; 3-1 Cubs, Top 9th, 2 out

Who am I kidding?

And yet, Ronnie Belliard with a single.

Nyjer "Who is Nyjer Morgan" Morgan at the plate. He's awesome.

2 strikes. I hate him.

He's 3-4 today. Belliard takes second FC

1-2

K

Crubs win. Ugh. My pants are still cold. Feral eats the soul.

Cookin' with Cubs; 3-1 Cubs, Top 5th, 0 out

Officially the worst Natstown day ever: I got here sweaty due to the %150 humidity that typically occurs here in DC. Then I got rained on. Then I spilled balsamic vinaigrette on my pants. Then, having one sprite cup in another cup that I thought was empty, I took a sip and the melted ice from the first cup poured right into my crotch. It was so frigid, I spilled the other cup, too. It's the first time the attractive Journalist has looked at me since I called her "attractive" while she stood behind me. Now my pants are cold, my bosses are laughing at me and the attractive journalist has headphones in. FML!

OH AND THE NATS ARE STILL LOSING! BAAAAAAAAAH

Cookin' with Cubs; 3-1 Cubs, Top 3rd, 2 out

I walk to my seat in the Press Box, and there's someone's computer in my spot. I ask my bosses what the deal is, and a dept. head says that there's "some chick from ESPN Magazine" sitting there. I say "Oh I gave her a pass, she's really attractive. What if I get intimidated?" Mike giggles and says: "Ok, I'll ask her." I turn around and she's standing right there. FML

Insult to injury, I spilled balsamic vinaigrette on my favorite, tight khakis. They're white khakis, and with the rain and sweat on my back from earlier, I haven't had dry, clean clothes on since I got to the ballpark

AND THEN UNCLE REMUS RAMIREZ HITS A HOME RUN TO PUT THE CUBS UP 3-1 IN THE THIRD. AAAAAAAAHAHHAAHA. MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!

Cookin' with Cubs 0-0 Bottom 1st, 0 out

It's been ages. I should start posting other crap on here so that my reader, whoever you are, doesn't get bored with my not-typing.

Morgan and Johnson on, Zimmerman 1-1, no outs.

Foul ball, 1-2.

I miss the ballpark, but it's been no picnic outside of this press box. I've moved three times in the last week, and I'm moving again next week, too.

Foul ball, still 1-2

Ball. 2-2. Zambrano's about to jump in the stands and beat a Make-A-Wish kid.

Long foul, same count.

Ball, full count.

K. Morgan caught stealing third. Double play

Dunn intentionally walked

Error on Willingham dribbler, everybody's safe.

3 on for Wee Willie Harris. I'm thinking about changing his name to...nevermind. Wee Willie's just fine

The crowd is riled because Willie hit a long one just feet far of the foul pole

Harris walked, Nick Johnson comes home. Zambrano is screaming.

The pitching coach and Catcher Hill go out to sedate him.

Josh Bard puts one up the middle, but Ryan Theriot tags him and gloves the ball to short. Nice play, end of the inning, Nats with a run.

Hey!

Church of Baseball Bot. 9, 9-4, 2 Out

Joel Hanrahan came into the ninth and did gave up three runs.

Anyway...

It's the last of the ninth, Dukes at the plate with two on. Zimmerman is like 0-16. Not cool, however Nick Johnson is around 40 for his last 20. I know that's not possible, but the guy is just a machine. The sun came out of the clouds for the first time tonight-actually first time ever. Just to see...

Dukes fly to center. Two of three from the Yanks alongside two of three from Toronto. Not bad, I guess. Next week, I'm attending all three Sox games as a fan, so I won't much be blogging-well, maybe a story or two. It's been good

Church of Baseball Top 8, 6-2, 1 Out

Hot Barajas at the plate, Kippy Wells at the mound.

So every game they do a "Random Act of Red." If they do it every game, why do they call it "Random?"

Russ Adams, the pinch-hitter just lost his bat about a hundred and twenty feet towards the Rain tarp. Best thing I've seen all day.

Church of Baseball Bot 2, 5-0, 0 Outs

Well, they got five, but we got Wee Willie Harris with a double to move the Attorney General to third-now we just need our next three outs-er-Batters to do it: Josh Bard, Sharion Martis and (getting better) Christ Guzman.

2-1 to Bard

Full to bard...

What?! He comes through! 2-run single, bounced off Aaron Hill's glove

Sharion Martis drops a sac to move Josh over. One out. Nice.

Guz strikes out.

Nick Johnson's walk-out song tonight instead of "My Bobby's goin' Broadway" is "Sexyback." I'm sorry nick, I love you, but you're not responsible for bringing Sexy back. If anything, the song should be OnBaseBack. That's what you bring. Back.

Not this time. Nick grounds to third. Maybe later.

Church of Baseball Top 1, 0-0, 2 Outs

Well, I' back.

Toronto at Washington for the last of the three games.

Wells at second, Rolen at first with two outs. Not much to report. Last night was amazing. Had a long conversation about the merits of Willie Harris earlier. WTOP Sports Guru Craig Heist said he's a great interview at all points.

Adam Lind draws a walk, loading the bases on Martis. Alex Rios at the plate, who's a threat.

Threat comes through with a 2-run double. Lyle Overbait gets a single, scoring two more.

Ugh.

All four runs scored with two outs.

Rod Barajas flies to Dunn.

It's either going to be a battle, or you just read all the scoring for this game. Either way, it's still baseball.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 12th, 3-3, none out.

The Attorney General got on with a single to center, and Willie's up with no outs.

2-1, Scott Richmond the starter pitching.

Swinging strike, 2-2

I guess Tavarez showed some Luis Tiant-action to strike out Polo Scutaro. Nice to hear that from Dave Jaegler, the Nats' broadcaster.

Inside pitch-out, if that's a thing, 3-2 to Wee Willie

Please, Willie, Please?!

Willie with a shot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walk-off home run for Willie Harris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man That's the best ever.

I told you everyone loves Willie Harris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a great shot. Oh man, I love baseball.

Nationals four in a row!!!!!!!

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 11th, 3-3, none out.

We get one short half-inning, followed by one excruciating inning-no runs, but two on, and Jesus Colome got injured or something and split. We had to bring Julian out to make it all better. Fly to center after a few baserunners.

Here's Ryan Zimmerman to lead off the inning. He's 0-4 today. He's due.

Seeing strike, 0-1

Ball, 1-1

Seeing strike, 1-2

Let's do it Ryan.

Way outside, 2-2

Jolome with a quad strain, day-to-day

Seeing Strikeout. He was half-way in the dugout when the Ump(s) called it.

Dunn. Please make your name happen.

Inside, 0-1

It was effing-warning track. We thought he had it, but seeing Joe "Joe" Inglett back up, we knew it was over. Chris and I nearly held each other hoping that was the hit.

Dukes, 1-1

Swinging strike, 1-2

Shot down the third baseline...easy play for Specimen Scott Rolen.

And then there were twelve.

A thought...

I just realized that Elijah Dukes' walk-out song is "My President is Black" by Jay-Z.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 10th, 3-3, one out.

Kearns dribbles for an out in place of MikeyMac, who pitched so well.

Guzman grounds to first.

First pitch, inside to Nick J, 1-0

Strike outside, 1-1

Dribbles to the pitcher for the third out. That inning was probably seven pitches long.

More people leaving.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 9th, 3-3, none out.

Adam Dunn strides to the plate. There is alot of crowd left in this ballpark, which is great. The lefty is facing Shaun Camp, a righty.

Way outside for 1-0

Outside, 2-0

Strike, 2-1

Foul, 2-2. They're playing weird, surreal country music. No one's standing.

Outside, full count.

Stand!!

Just cheering.

Foul, still 3-2

Way outside for a seeing strike-out. What nonsense.

Dukes at the plate

Foul. Man, he wants this walk-off

Swinging strike, 0-2

Swinging Strikeout. Ugh.

2 outs. The Attorney General sets up at the plate.

Single off the first pitch!

Willie!!!!!!!!!!! Wee Willie Harris comes to the plate. C'mon Sir!

Outside, Ball 1. That was closer to the plate than the pitch Dunn struck out on.

Ball. 2-0

Ball. 3-0

Brett Schweinberg calls. Sorry buddy, gotta call back.

C'mon!

Highest, deceptive foul. He's got the power.

3-1

Walk! Two on for Wil Nieves. Not even a home run he needs.

Wil's a lefty, the matchup is here

Seeing strike. 0-1

Inside but somehow also a strike, 0-2. I think the Umps get paid by the hour.

Back to the mound for the third out.

Someone just screamed, really, really loudly.

The Nats are 1-8 in extra innings. That's my least favorite product of a stat ever.

Alot of folks leaving, but there's alot more who are sticking. That's nice.

See you in extra.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 8th, 3-3, two out.

Kip Wells got the hook for Joel Hanrahan, who, with his second pitch gave up the lead by Specimen Scott Rolen's single to score Polo Scutaro-not cool.

Went to grab a smoke; the Nats radio broadcast played "Stay With Me" by the Faces going into the commercial. Yep.

Zimmerman just flew out to center to end the bottom of the eighth with a man on third. We could see a little Adam Dunn walk-off action. That would be nice, but that also means MikeyMac has to shut down the Jays for the eighth.

Saturday Night Fevah. Top 8th, 3-1 Nats, none out.

Detwiler gives up a walk to the pinch hitter, Jose Bautista (are there like fifteen "Jose Bautista"'s or one guy who's on every team ever?), then gets a massive Standing-O on his way out. Seven innings, one run, six hits, four strikeouts? Something like that.

Sac bunt from Polo Scutaro moves the Bautista over, one out.

Ball to Scott Rolen. Watched him in BP. He's awesome. He's a baseball specimen.

Who singles to left to get an RBI, advances to second on throw home.

C'mon Kip, don't let us down.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 7th, 3-1 Nats, none out.

Wow, the Nats Doin' Work.

The Attorney General leads off with a single, and now Willie Harris at the plate. I actually hear a "Let's Go Willie" chant. I would like to also take this time to profess my love for Willie Harris. He's the Robert Horry of baseball-Willie has at least one ring, but he's a traveler-a utility man with a backpack who just excels at being that guy, go-to for every position and everyone loves him.

2-2 to Willie.

Anyway, I have to say there's a massive crowd here tonight. It's inspiring to see people in every section of your ballpark, no question.

Willie GIDPs. Wrong time to profess my love-no matter, I still love him.

Nieves grounds to second. Inning over. No Matter!

Oh, question I made to Brad earlier: when people are staring-gazing into the scoreboard, then suddenly they're on it, it always takes at least two or three seconds for these people to recognize themselves. At least two or three seconds! Why is this?! I have my own answer.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 5th, 1-0 Nats, two out.

Wil Nieves with a Sac Fly!

Wee Willie Harris made a terrific catch at center in the top of the inning, then took second with a double in the bottom-stole third and Nieves brought him home.

Detwiler strikes out to end the inning, but no mattah, we're doing it.

Nats Tee-shirt Toss. People are dying.

From the pregame: I went to the bathroom to, you know, do some shopping, and they're airing the pregame foils of Clint, the face of "NatsPack..."

Vernon Wells with a home run. Damnit.

Anyway, back to Clint. His series of questions to give something away were all math-bent, I heard the last two:

"If you square pi, who's jersey number does that come closest to without going over?"

"If [player 1] is driving from DC to Baltimore at 60 mph, and [player 2] is driving from Baltimore to DC at 70 mph, what number jersey does Elijah Dukes wear."

I didn't even bother going shopping. I just ran-ran like the wind.

But hey, here's something: Guzman doubles, Johnson doubles, sets the franchise consecutive times on base per plate appearance, Zimm and Dunn do nothing, and then Elijah Dukes doubles Johnson home and gets thrown out trying to stretch the triple to end the inning. Whatev. He did his job and we're winning, 3-1 now.

Yahtzee.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 4th, 0-0, none out.

Johnson just got a hit, setting a Expos/Nats record with reaching base in 9 consecutive plate appearances. This was celebrated to the fans by playing "Umbrella" when Zimmerman got to the plate. Poor, balding Johnson. Everybody loves you.

Nats do nothing to move him home except Dukes making him the force-out to end the inning.

Sa

What?! The Umps are on the field!!!!! They're umping the President's race?! George, Tom, Tom, George, Tom wins!!!!!!

Teddy looks deflated. That man created Yellowstone Park, and yet he can't win a footrace against an aged general with wooden teeth, the most raging libido to ever serve (so to speak) as president and a president who, admittedly, is probably a little aerodynamic with that big hole...nevermind.

Sic Semper Tyrannis!