Tales from the Is it wrong to like Star Trek?

E-mail to the office.  You won't get it.

  Whole staff, en masse, to see Star Trek on May 8^th at midnight? I’ve got my ears if I’m Spock, and I have a perm and a headset if I’m Uhura.

 

Actually, I think we comprise the ship’s crew pretty well.

 

Craig as Capt. Kirk

Naturally

 

Diana as Dr. McCoy

Passionate, feisty, trusted advisor. Wielding incisions of fact to seek honesty in the critically-wounded conservative base

 

Amy as Mr. Scott (Scotty)

Without the science of maintenance or finance, we have no power

 

Katelyn as Uhura

Manning communications to maintain relationship with necessary allies

 

Hayley as Sulu

Young officer integral to the ship’s success; the job is thankless and she would have it no other way

 

Borko as Chekov

Think about it

 

Dan as a Trebble

You can be Sulu next time

 

Kevin as Kevin

There was no one else in the cast, so it was either that you play yourself or Chewbacca

 

And yes, Me as Mr. Spock

Half Anglo-Half foreigner (Persian Pakistani, Spanish and Mexican-that’s me baby), maintaining wit forehanded and back, coldly logical, open-minded, large-eared

 

Post script: I’m sorry that there aren’t enough girl parts to balance the genders out. It’s pretty clear now that Gene Roddenberry was a raging misogynist.  Not that it would matter anyway, Roddenberry was a conservative and misogyny is a liberal concern.

Tales from the Loss 8, Wednesday

ARGH!

Plus, I didn't even get near finishing my crossword.  This blows.

Tales from the Last Out 7, Wednesday

  Willingham, who was hit in the on-base circle then dusted to the ground at the plate, pops one out.  Ronnie Belliard's our last----I have no faith.

Tales from the Darkened Press Box 6, Wednesday

Hinckley is struggling.  He walked one man, and now a second...rbi Bases on Balls.

First run of the night scored in the top of the ninth from three straight walks.

Here comes Julian Tavarez to clean up the mess.  That's the first time that sentence has ever been written during a baseball game.  I could make a custodial joke, but this is a high-brow blog...you know, as all are.

He got it, and points at the plate for his entire jog back to the dugout.  He's the PT Barnum of average relievers, and I love it.

Bottom of the ninth, Dukes at the plate, one ball, two strikes.  Gonzalez having been spent in the eighth, Rafael Soriano, the red TMNTurtle at the mound.

Dukes strikes out.

Magic, anyone?

Tales from the now Dark Press Box 5, Wednesday

  Bottom of the seventh, nothin'-nothin'.

Nothin' doin' here.  I'm so beat as it is.

Buh.

Tales from the Sunny Press Box 4, Wednesday

New comparison:

John Lannan:

Looks like this guy...

Gomez Adams, you know, of the Addams Family.

Tales from the Sunny Press Box 3, Wednesday

  Get to know your Nats part 2: Garrett Mock and...Willie Harris? I got to know him with Elijah Dukes!  As gimmicky as this series is, Mock and Harris was by far the most entertaining; I couldn't hear anything because the glass is closed in the press box, but I think they were dancing which, combined with this episode's relative brevity, catapults it to the top of the list.

Also, Mock got the call back to the big league like, a day ago.  What's the story? Were these filmed in spring training? I thought they were live, even though they were filmed in another ballpark and the weather was completely different.  What is this?

Had dinner with writer Jeff Seidel tonight.  He has great, great stories, none of which I wish to share.

  BFF Jeff (Francoeur) is just struck out.  Ta.

Tales from the Sunny Press Box 2, Wednesday

  Earth Day, brought to you by Miller Lite.

Tales from the Sunny Press Box 1, Wednesday

  No rain delay? No 9:00 start time? Is this Florida?

This concludes the Catskills portion of the blog.  My best friend, Jeff Francoeur just knocked a single up the middle, top of the second.

The best thing today was meeting Tim Kurkjian.  I couldn't even say his name in my head, and he couldn't have been nicer.  That, and we are still hosting some of the Japanese media makes this the nicest group of people this press box will ever...ever host.

Oh, whaddya know, it's Jordan Schafer.

Grounded out to second.

Two-game winning streak.

Yes.

Last out...................

Two outs. Two magical outs with men on second and third.

Yunel Escobar at the plate, Randy St. Claire and Sweet Jesus at the mound.

Get on your feet, damnit.

Tales from the Second Rain Delay 12, Tuesday

Top of the ninth, Hanrahan led the inning with a walk.

Now a double to Jordan Schafer, the Seminole chop is spreading over the stadium faster than (was about to write "AIDS," but Perez wouldn't find that politically correct...I'll go with:) Perez.

Damn.

To hopefully amuse the reader in my time of anger, here are some comments made earlier to Pratt:

[22:24] Laxdman8: This press box is so fucking cold

[22:25] Laxdman8: I have my orange beanie on.  People keep asking me when hunting season ends.

[22:29] Laxdman8: Julian Tavarez coming in to pitch.  If only you could see his saunter.  He moves with the speed and agility of newborn baby.

Tales from the Second Rain Delay 11, Tuesday

Seventh Inning Stretch moment...Saw Teddy Roosevelt doing to crip-walk to Lil' Wheezy.  I'm going back to church.

Top o' the Seventh Pun Break

Haha, Morley Safer? He looks more like Jacob Morley Safer.

Uhh

Tales from the Second Rain Delay 9, Tuesday

 Willingham with a two-out, pinch-hit single to left to score "The One."  Nats up.

And-Her with a single to left, two-on, two-out for Nick Johnson, the on-base machine.

And, for some reason, they just took the error off or Francoeur and gave The One the triple and the RBI.  Francoeur clearly misplayed it, even if he is my BFF.  This doesn't make any sense, but it doesn't matter because the official scorer is alright.  Maybe his glasses are better than my glasses.

Full count on Johnson...stand by...

Foul ball.  That's it, I'm posting this shiz.

Tales from the Second Rain Delay 8, Tuesday

  Whoa!  Consecutive errors on the Braves give the Nats another run and Bill Ladson's "The One" on third! This is so going to extra.  Let's look for the win this time.

Tales from the Second Rain Delay 7, Tuesday

  As sure as I comment on Jordan Schafer, kid gets ahead of the bag, put out by Ol' Adam Dunn.  Sahweet.

And now, to score dem runs, that's the game.

Just to mention, the Braves' pitcher tonight is Kawakami.  It's probably just coincidence that there are about fifteen members of the Japanese press here, as it goes.  Obviously I hope the Nats win, but I have to comment that the Japanese media, as a whole, are the nicest people I've ever met, bar none.  They're journalists, and yet they're nice!  Crazy.  I hope the Nats sign the entire Yorimuri Giants roster.

Adam Dunn, massive shot to dead center.  Nats down, 3-2. Now, lead us through our troubled waters, Elijah*.

Supposed to be Biblical language.  I'm no Warren Zevon, or Rick Warren, or whatever.

Tales from the Second Rain Delay 7, Tuesday

  Ugh...Jordan Schafer snags a surefire double from And-Her.  He's pretty good.  I don't want to say anything, but...

Tales from the Second Rain Delay 6, Tuesday

  Move over, "Get to know your Nats," we have a winner.

"The Washington Sports Clubs Flex Cam."

Tubbies unite.

Tales from the Second Rain Delay 5, Tuesday

George won the President's race.  I bet it's rigged.  You can always tell the fix is in when Screech, Caps Mascot and the Geico Gecko ALL show up for the race.  It's the sign to Vegas.

Tales from the Second Rain Delay 4, Tuesday

Jordan Schafer gets an intentional walk.  What kind of a world do we live in?...

..where a man dresses up as a bat.

Tales from the Whoa...

The Caps Eagle stopped by the ballpark for a little incestuous pizza delivery with his brother, Screech the Nats' Mascot.

Thesis: the Caps Eagle looks stoned.

Evidence:

 

"Dude, you got a fiver on you? I gotta get some marshmallows."

"Ugh...I can't stop wheezing."

"I'll sell it to you for twenty bucks or a McDonals' gift card. No, wait...

...

...

OR, a McDonalds' gift card."

Conclusion?

Tales from the second Rain Delay 2, Tuesday

His name is Shiron Martis.  He's on our team.  Cheer.

Tales from Another Rain Delay 1, Tuesday

Bastards!  Atlanta scored three in the first inning of damn Sharion Martis.  Additionally, the stadium PA played at least two pro-Buttlanta songs, "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips, and Ray Charles' "Georgia on my Mind."  What the hell?  Why don't they play any DC songs, like "Chocolate City" by Parliament, or the Dismemberment Plan's "13th and Euclid?"  That's music.

Topo ofo the seventho. Jordan Schafer at the plate.  We have the less nefarious Jordan, even if he did just hit a damn hard ball.

Tales from the Rain Delay 5, Monday

Matt Diaz with a two-run shot.  Fluttering sounds of the Seminole chop heard through the haze.  Guy gets a free steak.

Tales from the Rain Delay 4 addendum, Monday

You know, of Metallica?

And it comes to be suburu life at the end of your tunnel

Tales from the Rain Delay 4, Monday

I'll tell about someone who looks like someone else: 

Adam Dunn:

Looks like James Hetfield:

Gimme fuelGimmefireGimme that which I desire, Huh!!

Tales from the Rain Delay 3, Monday

Zimmermann got his first strikeout, K'ing my best friend forever, Jeff Francoeur.

Matt Diaz just got a double.

Most of the crowd cheers.

Jeez Louise.

Is it just me or is the following fact the perfect crystalization of the Nats' luck.  There are only two Zimmerman(n)s in major league baseball, and the Nats have both of them.  Thought about nicknames for Jordan Zimmermann:

Double-N

No-No (no)

Luke Skywalker (because he's the new hope)

Eichman (also German)

Jordan laForge

Zimmpleton (don't know what that means)

Not-Ryan.

I like that last one.

Tales from the Rain delay 2, Monday

So there's this lady, the head of the food service here, Cassandra; she's terrific.  She tells me that my boss, Bill, she refers to as "Uncle Bill."  I ask why, and she says that Bill, who's tall and has red hair, looks to her like Uncle Bill from School House Rock.  I think she's referring to the Bill from "I'm just a bill on Capitol Hill."  If that's the case, than she believes that my boss - who, once again, has red hair and is tall - looks like this:

I don't see it, but then again, I'm not a rocket surgeon.

Tales from the Rain Delay 1, Monday night

Running on cigarettes, coffee, massive salad and chicken fingers for the whole day working against six hours of sleep and a day that began at 7:30, Here we are...baseball.

It's 9:11 PM and they're calling the opening lineups.  Jordan Zimmermann's making his (relatively) greatly anticipated major league start, up against the terrific Buttlanta Braves and Derek Lowe, who's no slouch*.

I met Jeff Francoeur this morning.  Had to run to the visiting clubhouse to get their lineup, and there he was, sticking about half a pound of chaw in his jaw.  He said "what's up."

I said, "wow."  We're best friends.

First inning. Zimmerman with two flyouts and one ground out.  So far, so good.

Saw a stat this morning that peeved me like hell. The Nats' one-two in the lineup have the highest average in baseball.  We're 1-9.  What the hell is this?

Oh, as for the ballpark, there are a good thousand people here at best.  Even some of the lights didn't show up.  I mean, DC's just so alive as it is on a Monday night, I can't imagine why we even have a thousand here.

*His walkout song should be "The Ballad of Curtis Lowe" if only for the lyric, "Curtis was a black man." It would be hysterical.  Ok, maybe it wouldn't but I should curse or disparage too many aspects of this game and what not if I want to keep working here.  Sigh.

Oh...

Damnit.

Letter to the Attorney General...

Waterboard these fish...

Letter to Josh

Josh Willingham, I know that this is your first start this season (I think), but please.

Elijah set the table with a GRD, now bring him home. And yourself too, if you want.

Alright, you F-9ed.

Sweet Jesus...Flores...please?

Tales from the Press Box...Hair on Fire Edition, Friday

Jesus Christmas. Blow a save, fine, give up a run in extra innings? C'mon.

I'm getting sho shleepy, and I'm moving tomorrow. I don't know what to cheer for anymore.

Tales from the Press Box 6, Friday

Walk-off? It's our 2-3-4, Johnson, Zimmerman, Dunn...Oh baby, this better be it, or else I'm going to...I just realized there's no valid threat I can make here, so, well, they better.

Tales from the Press Box 5, Friday

In the sadness of seeing a blown save and now Alfredo Amezaga (what a name) with a double, I've decided to tattoo the above picture on my backside.  No, not just the logo, the entire thing, the shirt and everything.  Try and stop me.

Tales from the Press Box 4, Friday

Hanrahan pitching, we're two outs away from beating the best team in baseball.  Cody Ross decides it's a good time to knock a home run in and spoil Hanrahan's first save opportunity of the season. Damnit.

On the other hand, this sets the table for a nice little walk-off if we make it through the inning.  I feel a poem coming on.

In other news, I took off my glasses and, what do you know, I couldn't see as well.  Crazy.

Tales from the Press Box 4, Friday

I know a very few things, but one thing I do know: baseball players love songs that feature the steel drum. For years I've waited for a place where I could hear Soulja Boy and Jimmy Buffett without getting up from my seat.

Top seven, still two to one, Nats up.

PS: most trivial gimmick yet? Which show do you prefer, MAJOR LEAGUE BALLPLAYER, Family Guy or The Simpsons? I would have instantly forgotten such a winceful game, but here's the twist: Family Guy beat The Simpsons! The Simpsons at it's worst runs through Family Guy like a horse through a preschool.

Top of the seventh, one out racked, Lannan makes his way out of the game to half-stand/half-sit (so, crouching) ovation.  In comes the drunk guy to fondle his fat date; hello, Julian Tavarez.  Strange about that, it was the Nats' infield that gave Lannan the bench...there was no Coach? What is this, a democracy? Who's going to tell them that candlesticks always make a nice wedding present?

Blah blah Tales from the Press Box 3, Friday

The first sign of fan blood I've seen since I took off my shirt during the Tigers' rout of the RFK-housed Nats in '07, the Nationals fans actually stood up and cheered for John Lannan after the pitcher took a ten-pitch at-bat, knocking souvenir after souvenir into the stands, deflating the value of a foul ball to near zero.  The audience that was without (foul) balls was so moved by the inflation of round, white currency that they found no other option than to rise and cheer.

Whatever gets their attention to the field, I'm just fine with.

How does the team reward the fan's attentions (even if lured only by economics)? And-Her (greatest baseball nickname since Ugly Don Mossi) knocks in the Attorney General to put the Nats a run ahead of the best team in baseball. Hello-hello.

Self-censored Tales from the Press Box 2, Friday

Daewon said that there's no more bacon for today's grille special, the Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato sandwich.  The terrorists have won.

In baseball news, Lannan had a beauty going, a no-no into the fourth, when all of the sudden he gave up a home run to John Baker, a double to HanRam, plunked Ugglie Uggla and, then walked Jeremy Hermida. Thank you, Cody Ross, for doing so little...

Hey!  Bottom of the fourth, who else would come up big but the Attorney General?  He knocks in Sweet Jesus to give the Nats their first run of the game.  Sweet!

Self-Censored Tales from the Press Box: Friday

President Obama did a flyover of the stadium at first pitch. Pretty nutty.  Then Biden flew over; no one cared.

I'm still wondering about what I should and shouldn't say...this is stupid.

Tales from the Other Job 1: Friday

  I spoke with my de facto board of advisors, being the sole Kevin McVicker, and he gave me a guideline for that which I couldn't say as a member of the Nationals.  Being angry is not allowed to be a part of working with the team, so...blah.  Eh, either way, I'm at the office now and have no opportunity to gripe about anything interesting, so hell.

Either way, I love the Nats and I'm working tonight, so if you hear anything, just pray for the muzzle.

Tales from the Press Box, 6: Thursday

Anderson Hernandez with a single to right to score Roger Bernadina from second. Jack Taschner? Terrific baseball nameANDTHAT'SIT.

Tales from the Press Box, 4: Thursday

Alberto Gonzalez, the Attourney General, with a home run that sneaks right over the corner in left!

Vacating fans? Unfazed. Must be the economy.

Tales from the Press Box 3, Thursday

Elijah Dukes with a massive home run shot! (I just wrote "shit" three times trying to write "shot." Come to think of it I do feel poopy), yet people are leaving the ballpark in droves. Let's hope they're all Phillies fans, but christ, it's 5-2 and possibly the Nats first win this season, and you're leaving? Go to hell.

On the other hand, the pitcher who gave up the home run and is hurling to Flores right now, Jack Taschner, has a great baseball name.  Assonance is key.

Tales from the stadium sidewalk. Thursday

Went out to grab my nightly "please don't blow this" cigarette in the fifth.  Another classic Camel, everything's fine and all-all of the sudden, as I'm walking to drop the baby-brown filter into the sewer, this old man on a bike cruising the sidewalk yells: "it's a bike!" and nearly rolls me over.

The whole cigarette experience ruined, I clutch my chest and saunter back to the entrance to tell  the tale to the security staff.  They all laugh.  What are you trying to tell me, god? You know where I stand on smoking, so obviously there's another rift here.

Top of the seventh, still 3-2. I don't want a save situation, I want runs, god damnit.

Benjamin Button...more

I don't believe that, from a director with such control and a star with so much power, one can take this film for its visual effects apart from the story to make the case that it belongs. The history of film is littered with "technical masterpieces" that had little to no story to carry them. If that's the (pun intended) criteria, than this company should go after every Sci-Fi film that came in the wake of 2001: A Space Odyssey, like Silent Running and Logan's Run (and those are the best ones that followed before Star Wars). The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was a terrible film. I have no agenda against the filmmakers, nor am I critically qualified to cut into these people because I'm a paying customer; Benjamin Button was just a collision of poor intentions and worse execution. The special effects, I feel, have received too much notice. I was somewhat awed by the young-er-old Button character, but after awhile I felt like I was watching a cinematic bait and switch, in which the special effects are perfected to the point at which the story is irrelevant; this has and will never work. Thank you, Pixar, for making my point. As for Button's inclusion in the Criterion Collection, it surprised me only initially; the filmmakers demanded that this movie be taken seriously as some timeless fable (how many times did we hear "Forrest Gump" when the film came out?), and their target audience, the demographic they aspired to was that which is prone to purchasing a Criterion film now and again, if not owning most of the set. The movie itself really is bad. The actors swam in moribund, self-referential dialog and forced the emotion from every scene, signifying nothing. If you take the "timeline" of the film, than the climax just happens to fall when Brad Pitt is at his most graciously engineered; the most handsome man in the world looking exactly the part, and then moreso, and then moreso.... I nearly feel bad in not liking the picture because it wasn't some fruit-of-the-month horror or car flick. In a way though, this is so much worse: it's a movie that aspires to be seen as art, but not aspiring to be art. It felt made by committee of faux-moral relativists; no one is good or self-aware, but all carry just one more piece to create a moral world for our main character. I felt the worst scene was with Cate Blanchette as a young girl at the fountain, begging for Pitt's attention with these awkward tales of smoking and being with boys and all that; she had no place to take the scene and it's the one time I concur with Pitt in being absolutely dumbfounded. For all the film, I felt like the story was more calculated than the graphics themselves. If the whole tale wasn't bad enough, it ends with that that curtain call of reiterated nonsense from one cast member after another. The whole film was frivolous, vacuous, and worst of all, I didn't find a trace of effort made for the film except when it came to the marketing. The "for your consideration" aspect of this film campaigned from the first blip in Variety and then on; landing a slot in the Criterion catalog was their finest coup yet. For that, I can only laugh and stand in ovation. I'm sure they calculated that reaction, too.

Steve Phillips yelled at your kids.

Steve Phillips walked up to a woman pushing a stroller.  "Why do you have a stroller?" the woman asked.

All these commercials fucking blow

Fuck you, Dunkin' Donuts.

Great Moments in Steve Phillips' Broadcasting

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Opening night, Atlanta at Philadelphia

"The fact that Brian McCann hits fourth tells you that the Braves don't have that Aircraft Carrier."

"[Jeff Francoeur] he was so excited in the batter's box over Spring break, jumping up and down he almost swollowed his ears."