The Top Ten Worst Possible 'Roids Reveals

Ortiz is out. It's done. Here's the worst-case scenarios for me:

You know, I was listed on that '03 steroids list. Look at how my weight ballooned:





Superbad.

Anyway, I think the top ten I'm-never-believing-in-baseball-again steroids list would be as follows:

1: Hall of Famers from the last five years - Specifically Ripken and Rickey, although at this point, I don't even want to look at their career numbers and think about it

2: Pedro - I wasn't in the area during his golden years, but I respect history and want to believe that one man could be this talented.

3: Pujols - Unequivocal for the hitters. He's the best hitter in baseball, one of the best men in baseball, a hero in his day. For him to be caught would shatter.

4: Griffey - That's my childhood that's being messed with. His career follows the arc of someone who didn't use, so I want to simply believe that

5: Any star from the 2005 draft - Braun, Ellsbury, ZIMMERMAN, Justin Upton, those are the guys that I want to believe are the next generation of stars. It would be terrible to see them go down.

6: Jamie Moyer - A few months ago, I had to work both ends of a Phils-Gnats double-header. Between games, one man (IN DC) stayed to sign autographs. I just want to know that Moyer didn't do it out of guilt. It's doubtful that he did, and yet, he's 47 years old and still pitching.

7: Jeter - As a kid, Jeter was the face of baseball, no matter where you were. He's someone who's never brought the cameras where they shouldn't have gone. He's one of the 7 best shortstops of all time. I don't want him to fall; he transcends the sport.

8: '70's stars in the Hall of Fame - For those guys, from the color(ed) era of baseball to be users. I mean, if the drugs were available, it's possible to assume...Pudge, Reggie, the Big Red, etc. It would say that our grounds for distrusting everything 1993 and later is totally off base, and the last thirty years of baseball are in question

9: Maddux/Glavine/Smoltz - No explaination necessary

10: McGwire/Manny/Pettite - It's far from over, concerning these guys' peers, and that's enough to make every name on this list a possibility.

Cookin' with Cubs; 3-1 Cubs, Top 9th, 2 out

Who am I kidding?

And yet, Ronnie Belliard with a single.

Nyjer "Who is Nyjer Morgan" Morgan at the plate. He's awesome.

2 strikes. I hate him.

He's 3-4 today. Belliard takes second FC

1-2

K

Crubs win. Ugh. My pants are still cold. Feral eats the soul.

Cookin' with Cubs; 3-1 Cubs, Top 5th, 0 out

Officially the worst Natstown day ever: I got here sweaty due to the %150 humidity that typically occurs here in DC. Then I got rained on. Then I spilled balsamic vinaigrette on my pants. Then, having one sprite cup in another cup that I thought was empty, I took a sip and the melted ice from the first cup poured right into my crotch. It was so frigid, I spilled the other cup, too. It's the first time the attractive Journalist has looked at me since I called her "attractive" while she stood behind me. Now my pants are cold, my bosses are laughing at me and the attractive journalist has headphones in. FML!

OH AND THE NATS ARE STILL LOSING! BAAAAAAAAAH

Cookin' with Cubs; 3-1 Cubs, Top 3rd, 2 out

I walk to my seat in the Press Box, and there's someone's computer in my spot. I ask my bosses what the deal is, and a dept. head says that there's "some chick from ESPN Magazine" sitting there. I say "Oh I gave her a pass, she's really attractive. What if I get intimidated?" Mike giggles and says: "Ok, I'll ask her." I turn around and she's standing right there. FML

Insult to injury, I spilled balsamic vinaigrette on my favorite, tight khakis. They're white khakis, and with the rain and sweat on my back from earlier, I haven't had dry, clean clothes on since I got to the ballpark

AND THEN UNCLE REMUS RAMIREZ HITS A HOME RUN TO PUT THE CUBS UP 3-1 IN THE THIRD. AAAAAAAAHAHHAAHA. MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!

Cookin' with Cubs 0-0 Bottom 1st, 0 out

It's been ages. I should start posting other crap on here so that my reader, whoever you are, doesn't get bored with my not-typing.

Morgan and Johnson on, Zimmerman 1-1, no outs.

Foul ball, 1-2.

I miss the ballpark, but it's been no picnic outside of this press box. I've moved three times in the last week, and I'm moving again next week, too.

Foul ball, still 1-2

Ball. 2-2. Zambrano's about to jump in the stands and beat a Make-A-Wish kid.

Long foul, same count.

Ball, full count.

K. Morgan caught stealing third. Double play

Dunn intentionally walked

Error on Willingham dribbler, everybody's safe.

3 on for Wee Willie Harris. I'm thinking about changing his name to...nevermind. Wee Willie's just fine

The crowd is riled because Willie hit a long one just feet far of the foul pole

Harris walked, Nick Johnson comes home. Zambrano is screaming.

The pitching coach and Catcher Hill go out to sedate him.

Josh Bard puts one up the middle, but Ryan Theriot tags him and gloves the ball to short. Nice play, end of the inning, Nats with a run.

Hey!

Church of Baseball Bot. 9, 9-4, 2 Out

Joel Hanrahan came into the ninth and did gave up three runs.

Anyway...

It's the last of the ninth, Dukes at the plate with two on. Zimmerman is like 0-16. Not cool, however Nick Johnson is around 40 for his last 20. I know that's not possible, but the guy is just a machine. The sun came out of the clouds for the first time tonight-actually first time ever. Just to see...

Dukes fly to center. Two of three from the Yanks alongside two of three from Toronto. Not bad, I guess. Next week, I'm attending all three Sox games as a fan, so I won't much be blogging-well, maybe a story or two. It's been good

Church of Baseball Top 8, 6-2, 1 Out

Hot Barajas at the plate, Kippy Wells at the mound.

So every game they do a "Random Act of Red." If they do it every game, why do they call it "Random?"

Russ Adams, the pinch-hitter just lost his bat about a hundred and twenty feet towards the Rain tarp. Best thing I've seen all day.

Church of Baseball Bot 2, 5-0, 0 Outs

Well, they got five, but we got Wee Willie Harris with a double to move the Attorney General to third-now we just need our next three outs-er-Batters to do it: Josh Bard, Sharion Martis and (getting better) Christ Guzman.

2-1 to Bard

Full to bard...

What?! He comes through! 2-run single, bounced off Aaron Hill's glove

Sharion Martis drops a sac to move Josh over. One out. Nice.

Guz strikes out.

Nick Johnson's walk-out song tonight instead of "My Bobby's goin' Broadway" is "Sexyback." I'm sorry nick, I love you, but you're not responsible for bringing Sexy back. If anything, the song should be OnBaseBack. That's what you bring. Back.

Not this time. Nick grounds to third. Maybe later.

Church of Baseball Top 1, 0-0, 2 Outs

Well, I' back.

Toronto at Washington for the last of the three games.

Wells at second, Rolen at first with two outs. Not much to report. Last night was amazing. Had a long conversation about the merits of Willie Harris earlier. WTOP Sports Guru Craig Heist said he's a great interview at all points.

Adam Lind draws a walk, loading the bases on Martis. Alex Rios at the plate, who's a threat.

Threat comes through with a 2-run double. Lyle Overbait gets a single, scoring two more.

Ugh.

All four runs scored with two outs.

Rod Barajas flies to Dunn.

It's either going to be a battle, or you just read all the scoring for this game. Either way, it's still baseball.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 12th, 3-3, none out.

The Attorney General got on with a single to center, and Willie's up with no outs.

2-1, Scott Richmond the starter pitching.

Swinging strike, 2-2

I guess Tavarez showed some Luis Tiant-action to strike out Polo Scutaro. Nice to hear that from Dave Jaegler, the Nats' broadcaster.

Inside pitch-out, if that's a thing, 3-2 to Wee Willie

Please, Willie, Please?!

Willie with a shot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walk-off home run for Willie Harris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man That's the best ever.

I told you everyone loves Willie Harris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a great shot. Oh man, I love baseball.

Nationals four in a row!!!!!!!

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 11th, 3-3, none out.

We get one short half-inning, followed by one excruciating inning-no runs, but two on, and Jesus Colome got injured or something and split. We had to bring Julian out to make it all better. Fly to center after a few baserunners.

Here's Ryan Zimmerman to lead off the inning. He's 0-4 today. He's due.

Seeing strike, 0-1

Ball, 1-1

Seeing strike, 1-2

Let's do it Ryan.

Way outside, 2-2

Jolome with a quad strain, day-to-day

Seeing Strikeout. He was half-way in the dugout when the Ump(s) called it.

Dunn. Please make your name happen.

Inside, 0-1

It was effing-warning track. We thought he had it, but seeing Joe "Joe" Inglett back up, we knew it was over. Chris and I nearly held each other hoping that was the hit.

Dukes, 1-1

Swinging strike, 1-2

Shot down the third baseline...easy play for Specimen Scott Rolen.

And then there were twelve.

A thought...

I just realized that Elijah Dukes' walk-out song is "My President is Black" by Jay-Z.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 10th, 3-3, one out.

Kearns dribbles for an out in place of MikeyMac, who pitched so well.

Guzman grounds to first.

First pitch, inside to Nick J, 1-0

Strike outside, 1-1

Dribbles to the pitcher for the third out. That inning was probably seven pitches long.

More people leaving.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 9th, 3-3, none out.

Adam Dunn strides to the plate. There is alot of crowd left in this ballpark, which is great. The lefty is facing Shaun Camp, a righty.

Way outside for 1-0

Outside, 2-0

Strike, 2-1

Foul, 2-2. They're playing weird, surreal country music. No one's standing.

Outside, full count.

Stand!!

Just cheering.

Foul, still 3-2

Way outside for a seeing strike-out. What nonsense.

Dukes at the plate

Foul. Man, he wants this walk-off

Swinging strike, 0-2

Swinging Strikeout. Ugh.

2 outs. The Attorney General sets up at the plate.

Single off the first pitch!

Willie!!!!!!!!!!! Wee Willie Harris comes to the plate. C'mon Sir!

Outside, Ball 1. That was closer to the plate than the pitch Dunn struck out on.

Ball. 2-0

Ball. 3-0

Brett Schweinberg calls. Sorry buddy, gotta call back.

C'mon!

Highest, deceptive foul. He's got the power.

3-1

Walk! Two on for Wil Nieves. Not even a home run he needs.

Wil's a lefty, the matchup is here

Seeing strike. 0-1

Inside but somehow also a strike, 0-2. I think the Umps get paid by the hour.

Back to the mound for the third out.

Someone just screamed, really, really loudly.

The Nats are 1-8 in extra innings. That's my least favorite product of a stat ever.

Alot of folks leaving, but there's alot more who are sticking. That's nice.

See you in extra.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 8th, 3-3, two out.

Kip Wells got the hook for Joel Hanrahan, who, with his second pitch gave up the lead by Specimen Scott Rolen's single to score Polo Scutaro-not cool.

Went to grab a smoke; the Nats radio broadcast played "Stay With Me" by the Faces going into the commercial. Yep.

Zimmerman just flew out to center to end the bottom of the eighth with a man on third. We could see a little Adam Dunn walk-off action. That would be nice, but that also means MikeyMac has to shut down the Jays for the eighth.

Saturday Night Fevah. Top 8th, 3-1 Nats, none out.

Detwiler gives up a walk to the pinch hitter, Jose Bautista (are there like fifteen "Jose Bautista"'s or one guy who's on every team ever?), then gets a massive Standing-O on his way out. Seven innings, one run, six hits, four strikeouts? Something like that.

Sac bunt from Polo Scutaro moves the Bautista over, one out.

Ball to Scott Rolen. Watched him in BP. He's awesome. He's a baseball specimen.

Who singles to left to get an RBI, advances to second on throw home.

C'mon Kip, don't let us down.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 7th, 3-1 Nats, none out.

Wow, the Nats Doin' Work.

The Attorney General leads off with a single, and now Willie Harris at the plate. I actually hear a "Let's Go Willie" chant. I would like to also take this time to profess my love for Willie Harris. He's the Robert Horry of baseball-Willie has at least one ring, but he's a traveler-a utility man with a backpack who just excels at being that guy, go-to for every position and everyone loves him.

2-2 to Willie.

Anyway, I have to say there's a massive crowd here tonight. It's inspiring to see people in every section of your ballpark, no question.

Willie GIDPs. Wrong time to profess my love-no matter, I still love him.

Nieves grounds to second. Inning over. No Matter!

Oh, question I made to Brad earlier: when people are staring-gazing into the scoreboard, then suddenly they're on it, it always takes at least two or three seconds for these people to recognize themselves. At least two or three seconds! Why is this?! I have my own answer.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 5th, 1-0 Nats, two out.

Wil Nieves with a Sac Fly!

Wee Willie Harris made a terrific catch at center in the top of the inning, then took second with a double in the bottom-stole third and Nieves brought him home.

Detwiler strikes out to end the inning, but no mattah, we're doing it.

Nats Tee-shirt Toss. People are dying.

From the pregame: I went to the bathroom to, you know, do some shopping, and they're airing the pregame foils of Clint, the face of "NatsPack..."

Vernon Wells with a home run. Damnit.

Anyway, back to Clint. His series of questions to give something away were all math-bent, I heard the last two:

"If you square pi, who's jersey number does that come closest to without going over?"

"If [player 1] is driving from DC to Baltimore at 60 mph, and [player 2] is driving from Baltimore to DC at 70 mph, what number jersey does Elijah Dukes wear."

I didn't even bother going shopping. I just ran-ran like the wind.

But hey, here's something: Guzman doubles, Johnson doubles, sets the franchise consecutive times on base per plate appearance, Zimm and Dunn do nothing, and then Elijah Dukes doubles Johnson home and gets thrown out trying to stretch the triple to end the inning. Whatev. He did his job and we're winning, 3-1 now.

Yahtzee.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 4th, 0-0, none out.

Johnson just got a hit, setting a Expos/Nats record with reaching base in 9 consecutive plate appearances. This was celebrated to the fans by playing "Umbrella" when Zimmerman got to the plate. Poor, balding Johnson. Everybody loves you.

Nats do nothing to move him home except Dukes making him the force-out to end the inning.

Sa

What?! The Umps are on the field!!!!! They're umping the President's race?! George, Tom, Tom, George, Tom wins!!!!!!

Teddy looks deflated. That man created Yellowstone Park, and yet he can't win a footrace against an aged general with wooden teeth, the most raging libido to ever serve (so to speak) as president and a president who, admittedly, is probably a little aerodynamic with that big hole...nevermind.

Sic Semper Tyrannis!

Saturd-FORGET EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!

A few weeks ago, my old best friend from military school, Mikey Cushmac told me about these two guys behind home plate at a Toronto game. They guys were both dressed up as Umpires, and would mimic every call made by the game ump.

Well? They're here!

I don't even know what's going on with the game anymore, and yet I know that someone fouled, like, three times in a row. If you can, you must tune in to this game. It's amazing now.

Saturday Night Fevah. Bot. 1st, 0-0, none out.

Nick Johnson just drew a walk to put two on.

This is kind of funny: I'm scoring the game, and Christ Guzman gets on with an infield single. So I'm scoring it on my sheet, and I write "INS" I erased it, quickly.

I love you Christ Guzman.

Even better, Chris, a fellow intern yelled "safe!" and threw out his arms when Guz made it. Everyone in the Press Box heard and saw. Classic.

Zimmerman GIDPs. Damnit. Dunn's coming up, our first walk-off hero of the season...a third of the way into the season. Guzman's on third, none on first and second. I expect a grand slam. Nothing less.

Flies out to Left. Nevermind.

Saturday Night Fevah. Top 1, 0-0, one out.

Man alive, I thought I was going to die last time I was typing. Alas, I made it.

Walk to Aaron Hill.

Either way, I never thought I'd type this, but the Nats are on a three-game win streak, entering tonight and look like a fine little team. All of the starters have done exceptionally well, considering the youth and inexperience that they have.

I wish I got to see new Yankee Stadium; Brad said it was exceptional.

Vernon Wells strikes out.

Scott Rolen flies out to end it. Aye!

Well, hopefully more to come.

It's actually blogger day at Nats park, so they opened up the little, special, off-center Press Box for all the Nats blogs that don't have discouraging names, ie: Yes to "Let Teddy Win," no to "Fire Jim Bowden." Good times.

Hello Mr. Thursday Bot 3, 1-0 Reds

Yeah, I got nothin'. Zimm at the plate with Jewish Guzman at second and one out by the Atty. Gen. I'm going to split, end of this inning. Just got nothin.

Hello Mr. Thursday Bot 2, 1-0 Reds

I am death. Bergman's vision with sideburns and flop sweat. The last moment in slumber I had was 5:59 am, Wednesday morning. It's so bizarre. If I sit still for a moment, I begin to fall into a trance of slumber, gripping me, forcing me to succumb. Austin Kearns just took a walk, and this I see a billion balloons lifting the stadium off the ground and moving it to South America.

IN 3D!!

Friday with the Mets, Top of the Tenth, Mets 3-1

Hanrahan gave up a two-run double to David Wright.

Two outs with a Met on third. Ugh, there's nothing more to say, as Santos flies out and it's time for the Nats' at-bat

Nationals' extra-innings record going into the last inning: 0-6. Here comes K-Rod. See you next week.

Friday with the Mets, Seventh-inning stretch, 1-up

20,353 is the attendance.

Sheffield is at the plate. I've never been so transfized on a hitter in this park.

Sheff struck out at the hand of Mike Macdougal.

Sheff swings like a real baseball player. I heard someone refer to Mark McGuire's swing as a "ta-da" motion, where it's just a boom from his front arm, and his back arm doesn't even carry through the swing. Sheff swings like a ballplayer-everything's in the motion. He reminds me of Reggie Jackson.

Seventh inning stretch time.

Replaced Praying Martis with Jason Bergmann, Ron Villone, then Mike Macdougal. that's alot of pitchers for an inning, but the Metties didn't score! Crazy!

This is a game. This is what baseball feels like; it's all coming back, if only for the evening.

Friday with the Mets, Bottom of the sixth, 1-up

That's right, David Wright! The ol' Throw-'em-out, strike-'em-out. Wright at first, one out, Danny "Murphy from Robocop" Murphy at the plate. Bergmann at the mound throws wild to first trying to tag Wright, and Kearns and Johnson get to the ball. One of whom throws to third, where they tag out Wright easily...That should have been the second time Wright got tagged by Zimmerman's glove...whatever, ump.

Anyway, then Robocop strikes out and everybody celebrates: a scoreless inning in relief.

Relief.

Friday with the Mets, bottom of the fifth, 1-up

Aye! The Attorney General with a pinch-hit RBI! There's one out and Christian Guzman knocked a shot into right to double and send the Att. Gen. to third from first. A-sweet.

Praying Martis pitched very well, giving up only a run in five innings. Man, there's some damn talent on this ballclub...it gives me a heart attack every time.

Johnson walks!

Zimmerman at the plate.

C-mon man, think of my fantasy team...

3-0 count on Zimm...here comes the strike...

Called.

Here comes the game-winner...grounds into double play. boo.

boo.

bo.

Friday with the Mets, top of the fifth, Mets 1-0

Well here we are, Brian Schneider with a double on a ball that Dunn might have had under different circumstances.

Ooh, Johnson with a great grab at first.

So anyway, there have been two doubles to Left that should have been caught, maybe, but Dunn's such a star that it DON'T MATTAH.

Friday with the Mets, Top of the fourth, Mets 1-0

Ah, what's his name just grounded out to end the top, and here come the Presidents!

It's Teddy, with...red flippers and a body board versus, the rest of the lot, who don't have water gear. The other presidents all burned down the track, but I was transfixed on Teddy, who got surpassed from his fifty-foot lead before he was sixty feet from the center-field door, turned around and sauntered back, flipping his board around with his head drooping. That's entertainment.

Ah, Ryan Zimmerman with a single up our old friend Tim Redding. Dunn's at the plate, who raced his heart out and still couldn't make a pop fly to left. As par the baseball exchange, if he hits it out here, he'll be Adam Dunn again.

2-1

Tries to tag Zimm...no dice.

Dunn with a high shot to left. Buh.

Elijah coming to the plate, one out with one on first.

Wow, he took a pitch, a ball low.

Ball-low! (You know, like "baller?" Totally works)

Looked away, 2-2

Ugh, I'm wearing a sweater, and rolling up my sleeves led them to be all stretched and bellbottomy.

And Dukes strikes out. Take my eyes!

Friday with the Mets, bottom of the third, Mets 1-0

Believe me, there is nothing I would rather do than blog away for this Mets game. As it stands though, the press box windows are open and it's drizzling all over my computer. Jesus.

I'm scooted back so far in my chair I can't even see the infield. This is retarded. I love you all.

Bottom 9, 5-1 Giants, Game 1 of Doubleheader.

What was a close game became a distant one. Dukes has a full count.

I'll have to scram as soon as this last pitch is thrown...

Dukes fouls one fifty feet from the pressbox.

Brian Wilson strikes out Elijah Dukes, 2 outs to the win.

Austin Kearns at the plate.

2-2

Kearns strikes out. One out from win 300 for Randy Johnson.

I gotta split, It's Gunshow Ronnie Belliard, I don't expect a solo grand slam, so I think we can put this one in the books.

Congrats, Randy.

Doubleheader

Bases loaded for the Nationals. It's too cold to type. Giants still up, 2-1, but their bullpen is cracking. Wonder if this next pitch from their third reliever, Brian Wilson, will be in the stands...

1-1

Foul, 1-2, 2 outs, by the way

C'mon Dunn...

Crowd on its feet, don't know for whom

Now I know, Pitch a mile outside and everyone's booing, take a wild guess.

Again, outside, everyone boos. Where are the Nats fans?

3-2...

Bull-Dunn argues it, Wilson struck him out, but it was way low-should have been a walk.

Dunn started walking to first, about a third of the way there when Timmy Timmons called it. C'mon.

Almost a no-header

Elijah Dukes with a broken-bat single...is how I could write it.

Dukes almost decapitating Randy Johnson is more like it. He knocks this chopper up the middle...which is also the direction the ball went. The bat broke at the hilt and spun like a visible propeller over an invisible helicopter. Randy might have had the ball, but had to duck the bat. That man fears nothing. If I saw that bat coming toward me I would have run for the bullpen.

Damnit. Dunn walks, then Gunshow Ronnie Belliard cuts one up the middle, snagged on a dive by Burris (Virginia!) who gets the double-play. This defense is on for Randy.

Randy, who just mooned me. Why, Randy?

Doubleheader, top 5, 2-0 Giants

Randy Johnson, four shutout innings. It looked like he held a toothpick in his at-bat.

This is the worst, least-entertaining blogging ever. I've this ear infection, and I still haven't smoked a cigarette in days-stuff's coming out of me! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doubleheader, top 4, 2-0 Giants

Bengie Molina at the plate.

I can't get over how empty this place is. Randy Johnson will have possibly won his 300th game with no one watching, but maybe 30,000 having bought tickets.

Two quick outs, and it's the president's race!

Teddy leading, George advances, Lincoln passes him...it's George!

It's George. George won. I'm going to sleep.

Doubleheader!

It's Randy Johnson. He looks like the Indian on top of the Capitol. His majesty is unquestioned, but I can only wonder if tonight's his night. Everyone expects it, but the Nationals do have a terrific offense.

The Attorney General leads off

Strike.

Randy changes out the balls, what a pro.

Nevermind, that's probably for the Hall or his family or something if he gets the W tonight.

Att. Gen grounds out.

To be honest, I think this 300 stuff is ridiculous. I would rather end the career like Koufax, in my prime, than to keep pitching until I knew I couldn't anymore.

Rowand was a nice slide on Nick Johnson's liner to center. This defense is going to work everything for Randy tonight.

Zimmerman 4-3's.

Doubleheader!

5:11 PM, time of first pitch for a...doubleheader.

Zimmermann 1-2 on Aaron Rowand Rowand Rowand Your Boat.

Attendance estimate, maybe a thousand people, seriously. Since this was actually last night's game, I bet the tickets sold was maybe 25,000. Still, this is some crowd.

Rowand struck out. Now, the eminently feared Edgar Renteria. Oooh.

0-1

0-2

What the hell, they're opening the box windows. Not cool. whereas all was nice and quiet, now it's - not loud - breezy.

K

I hear someone clapping after Randy Winn had a swinging strike.

Ugh, I'm cold!

Alledgedly they've called the game.

The yeah-dudes with the ground crew just told the fans, men and women and children, families, that the game is called. Poor kids.

10:33 PM, Raining harder than ever.

Ugh. We've been here for hours. We've been waiting for the game for hours. President of the team, Stan Kasten came into the press box a little earlier and told us that they wanted to try and play the game tonight, for the fans.

There's a bug on the inside of the window. I've noticed more and more of them as the season wears. Strange days.

Hazel Mae is sitting behind me. Oh, what a night.

9:07 PM, More Rain.

Raining hard, more fans leaving. I just quit smoking a few days ago so automatically I feel terrible. Additionally, I've been sick last week and this one with some...thing...and still feel terrible. I could actually leave the park, but hell, I'm here and I don't have an umbrella, so what's the point?

I can't pay attention and my throat is sore, so I'm going to play Facebook Nintendo and eat ice cream for the next hour. Suck city.

8:18 PM, STill in Rain Delay

Just asked Brad: "how many All-Star votes d'you think Strasberg will end up with?"

I wonder how far off he'll be from possibly being the Nationals' ASG representative. Fortunately, Ryan Zimmerman has been the best third baseman in the NL, so he's got to garner at least fifteen, twenty votes. He deserves to start, damnit.

Wednesday Night Rain...More of it.

They pulled the tarp and they're sweeping the water. Buddy, this rain is stopping maybe for a second. I don't know how they're going to play this game tonight. Kurkjian is here, spoke with him for a bit, along with Jayson Stark, Jon Miller, a swath of lesser luminaries, and I'm pretty sure I saw Tom Boswell's hat at a seat in the press box.

Another intern went down to the visitor clubhouse and stepped into the manager's office; the door was locked, and when he got in there was a 6 foot, 10 inch long-hair chewing gum and saddled on the couch. Cool as a cucumber.

I hope I see a game tonight.

Wednesday Night Rain...

It's pouring outside. We're screwed. I'm sick as hell, and Randy Johnson's going for 300 tonight, but this downpour's been fairly ceaseless.

There's some sports photographer down here at the media entrance who has a lisp. It's very funny.

Friday Night Inferno like you wouldn't believe.

George Sherrill comes in to face Dunn. Our best hitter leading off. Even if he gets on and Ho-Josh knocks it out-well, I don't have a point after that. That would be really nice, of course, except for one person who's itching to get outta here.

They just advertised that new movie, the Hangover, on the scoreboard to lead into Dunn's walk-out song, Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight."  Overplayed, overrated.

2-2 to Dunn.

Strikes out looking.

Ho-Josh at the plate.

Elevator Shaft to the scourge of the Nats tonight, Adam Jones.

Gunshow Ronnie Belliard, our last hope.

1-1

2-1

Foul, 2-2

Smattering of O's fas on their feetsies

Ball, full count.

Broken bat fly to short.

There goes the one-game win streak. Damn.

Extra Inferno

Got my smoke over the top of the eleventh. No dice for the O's. Watched the bottom half in the lobby on the Press floor with my friends, the Nats security staff. They're amazing men and women, and I'm happy to work with them.

Kip Wells pitching now, one out so far, long fly to Wiggingtonny.

Cesar grounds to short.

Hopefully an "Et Tu" to Danys Baez. How many pitches must this man take out...oh jesus, just two

Gets an infield grounder, unplayable. Basically a perfect bunt, except simply pounded into the turf. Brian Roberts to the plate, one on, two out.

Damnit. GRD by Roberts, landed in left and bounced into the fans there.

Here we go.

Adam Jones with a first pitch hit, double to score two.

The crowd, sadly, is going nuts for the most part.

This is the worst part of these games, because now all the Nats fans leave, so the Nationals batters face an away crowd at home for the whole rest of the game (three outs, surely).

Darnit. Joan Baez kept 'em alive, and Jones put 'em away.

Markakistinaskis flies out to Dunn.

Damage? Also Done.

Next up for the Nats, their first batter, Dunn.

Bah.

Wow.

Top of the tenth, two on, two out. The man on first, Mr. Adam Jones.

Standby-competing cheers between "Let's Go Home" and "Boo."

So anyway, Adam Jones received an INTENTIONAL PASS by Joe Biemel to pitch to NICK MARKAKISASTINASKIS. I mean, it's lefty on left, versus Jones being right-handed.

And it worked!!!

Beimel strikes out Markakisastinaskis!

Bottom of the inning, no score. Here comes our 7-8-9! The lineup is Bard (switch-hitter), Justin Maxwell, and the pitcher. It'll probably be Austin Kearns in there.

I don't know what the attendance is, but I'd have to guess 25,000+. Not too shabby.

Here comes Mr. Bard.

Oh yeah, my pun for the Post-Game Press Notes, "No Time for Love, Dr. Adam Jones."

No one got it. What a bunch of hooey.

Bard grounds out. Here comes Justin "The Maxican" Maxwell.

Ball, Ball

Ball, 3-0

Maxwell with the pass! Brad says he's going to steal. Brad's quite wishful; his friends are here and if it ends soon, it might be the fastest we ever get out of here.

Then we joked about marriage and how it would be funny if someone put a Home plate on the altar where the couple stands. Then I misunderstood him and thought he said he wanted to shave home plate into his hair.

Then Pinch-Hitter Austin Kearns hit into a double play and we went to the eleventh. Cigarette now or never.

Powerball Tonight: 1-4-3

That's right. Jason Bergmann comes in to pitch, and immediately gives up a basehit to...I don't know, someone-ah, Chad Moeller. He pops out the second guy for the first out, then snags a shot back to him for the 1-4-3

Bottom of the ninth, none out, Shoeless Joe Johnson at the mound

Full count to Zimmerman

Poke towards first, easy 1-3 out.

Adam Dunn arrives at the plate, Righty pitching to Lefty.

They could use a win streak, baby.

1-1 to Dunn.

Pokes it to right field, right to the second baseman playing in front of the fielder.

Ho-Josh Willingham at the plate, 2 outs.

Strike.

Two strikes.

Hit to center!

All of our collective hopes and dreams in the bat of Gunshow Ronnie Belliard!

Batting line for Gunshow: .190, 1 HR, 4 RBI, 4 Runs.

0-2 to Gunshow.

Shoeless throws to first.

Ball, high and outside, 1-2

Shoeless throws at his head, 2-2

Ho-Josh runs, Belliard dribbles to short for an easy 6-3.

Extra, Extra, you can keep reading all about it.

Friday Night Inferno, Top 8, 2-2

Ron Villone pitching. Zimmermann taken out with a terrific line, 7 innings, 7 K's, 2 ER, 1.00 WHIP.

However, Rich Hill basically gave up the same line, only fewer K's, fewer hits. 

Huff grounds to second to end the inning, only Adam Jones on base. That guy is damn good.

I failed to mention earlier, but George won the President's race.

Shoeless Jim Johnson now pitching for the O's.

Also, for some reason, the Nats' and O's Mascots got into a tee-shirt-blasting war, in which both shot one tee-shirt apiece, which went the same distance. They dropped the guns, and jumped onto the Rain Tarp (the infamous one), and someone handed them two American Gladiators double-padded jousts. They struck them once, then they both broke at the handle. The O's mascot dropped his joust and turned to step down, but Screech the Nats Mascot poked him with the broken joust. O's Mascot slapped his away, then slipped and fell off the Tarp. He then took out a cheering Screech at the knees, and they were both lower than all.

Battle: Screech.

Classier: O's Mascot.

This is DC, so the battle defeats having class. Too bad.

Birds!!!!!!!

Damnit. Ryan FC'ed. I probably would'a hit it out.

I should have left the Press Box, with the luck of my lost presence in the box, Ryan could have hit a grand slam with one one. Don't act like it's not possible.

3-0 to Dunn, Zimm on, two outs.

Foul tip, 3-1.

Got pulled away. Dunn drew a walk and Ho-Josh struck out.

Friday Night Inferno, Top 6, 2-2

Nick Markakistinaskis flies to Ho-Josh in Left.

Aubrey Huffington Posts one into Zimm's glove, two out.

Seriously, every time I step away the Nats score. It's obscene, but a guy gotta smoke his Camels, Flirt, etc.

It's probably for the best as well, because I get to cheer outside the Press Box. I was at the media entrance when Zimmerman took one out to tie it up, 2-2. Jaegler called the shot and I jumped in the middle of South Capitol St., showering ash into my hair and to the graveled cement.

Brad just mentioned that I'm a first base kind-of-guy, and he'd love to see me field a ground ball from Short. He announced my name over Guzman's-announced with a yell.

Classic Brad.

Guz out. Maybe I would be better*!

*That's a thousand suns of impossibility, but I'm going to delete this footnote and let you believe that it is**.

**Note deleted. Score.

Johnson on with a walk. Zimmerman at the plate, two balls to him.

Let's see it, Ryan.

Friday Night Baseball Inferno.

Darnit.

Nolan Reimold with a solo home run to the away bullpen. Not cool.

Two outs, O's up 1-0, top of the second.

Oh, and it's the Security Series because it's, you know, full of security down here.

Friday Night Baseball Inferno.

I don't know why I named the thread that.

Roberts flies to Dunn for the first out. Let's do it, Jordan Zimmermann.

Nationals hosting the Baltimore Orioles for the "Beltway Series." I have to say, I always thought interleague was a joke, but the region rivalries are pretty fun. I don't like the name "Beltway Series" though. In fact, I hate it, and I don't like the idea that we're defined by the beltway alone. I mean, it connects us and all, but couldn't it be something, anything else? How about the "Homocide Series*?"

Zimmermann perfect through the inning.

Even that's bad though, mainly because you need rhymes, alliteration, or to a lesser degree, assonance or consonance. "Subway Series" is obviously the most interesting interleague series, but it also has the best name.

Maybe, considering both teams' standings, ours should be the Dreary Series.

Nah.

Ah, I have it! The Security Series!

Score.

Two outs, no one on, Zimmerman up.

*Terrible, but sometimes you gotta reach for the humor.

Holy Tension

It's the top of the ninth.

Man, what an inning. I was on the toilet when Guzman and Nick got their hits. Then watched the game from the lobby outside the Press Box. I had to cheer, plus good things always happen when I'm standing there.

Good things happened!

Ryan Zimmerman's now safely reached base in 39 straight games.

He got the thirty-ninth one with an RBI hit through the right infield gap, scoring Guz and sending Nick to third.

Then Dunn came up and chipped one to center to put us up. Yay!

Bottom of the ninth. Hanrahan going for the save.

Got to the full count on LaRoche the first, who then flew out to the wall in center. I love you, Justin "The Maxican" Maxwell.

Good job covering MOSS'S SINGLE TO CENTER OFF HANRAHAN.

Ugh, one out but oh, one on.

Srtike to Ramon Vazquez. LaRoche the Second dethroned? Was there a coup?

Vazquez strikes out!!!!!!!!!!!

Two outs!!!!!!!!

Oh, this would be better than the Prom I never had if they take this one. That's right, imaginary girl! You weren't even that pretty!!!!!

One ball to Delwyn Young.  More like DelLose Young!  Bah, that was terrible.

Three balls to Dellose.

Strike to Dellose!

Strike again!

The entire crowd is on its feet!

They don't do this for the National Anthem

STRUCK HIM OUT!!!!!!!!!!! THE NATIONALS WON THE WORLD SER-er, I mean-THE NATIONALS WON A GAME!!!

Rock over London! Rock on, Chicago! Wheaties, Breakfast of Champions!

Kids, that was better than the imaginary prom. Thank you, Craig Stammen.

Baltymore tomorrow.

Haha, what a gip. Adam Dunn, player of the game, 1-4 with an RBI. The winning RBI, but is should have been Joel.

Alright kids, I'm out!

Bahahaha!

Thursday Night's Alright, Top o' the seventh to ya

Jackie flies.

Eric Hinske pinch-hitting.

Ooh, tonight's attendance: 17,816. Hmm, seems lower.

Hinske grounds into Gunshow Ronnie Belliard, that's the inning.

Take me out to the ballgame.

Buh.

Acta's quick hook comes on a wee-bit too late.

LaRoche the first knocks one out of the park, a two-run shot.

Brandon Moss GRDs, then LaRoche the second scores him.

Out comes Stammen.

The crowd gives him a half-ovation. It's tragic, because under the circumstances (and the stats) he performed very well. The home bats have been silent now for two innings, and it's in the seventh that Stammen gives up 3 to put the Arr Mateys up, 4-3.

Julian Tavarez, clean-up in inning seven.

LaRoche the Second on first, two balls to Jaramillo.

One out.

Three balls.

Four-pitch walk, Tavarez's first batter. Jere comes ol' Jackie Wilson.

Thursday Night's Alright

And-Her left the game with a sprained pinkie.

Mike, the man who announced it to the Press Box said: "little finger." Why? Why not Pinky?

Then Zimmerman made a sick catch over the railing, basically punching almost-Kenny Rogers in the face with his glove. 

Betwix innings, they did the fan of the game. Almost always a little kid wins; one who's small and feeble enough to be cute and not cognizant of where he is or why everyone's yelling. Now, that could be any home fan, but as I mentioned it's a baby usually. This time, it was a young man who looks like the third Barber in line with Tiki and Ronde (who went on to be an accountant or chemist or computer technician); the second was a younger child, and the third was an blonde, motherly-looking figure. They run through all three, then ask one by one, and judge based on the audience sound. When they showed the child the second time, people booed.

Cornelius Barber won.

Thurs-Josh Bard?!

Josh Bard with a single to score Willingham, now two RBI on the day. Craig Stammen pitching the kind of game you pray to see so far.

LaRoche the First at the plate.

Ball.

Sheeet, first hit of the day, double that crosses over the first-base bag.

Moss swings at the first pitch to push the LaRoche the First to third.

LaRoche the Second at the plate. Monarchy Mayhem.

2-1 to The Second.

Grounder to short, the Second scores the First.

One run in five innings ain't bad at all. 2 outs.

Jaramillo flies out to Dunn, who's fielded fairly well today.

Like the primordial soup itself, there is life in Nationals Park.

Not from the fans, of course, but you know what I mean.

Another.

Stammen's Line so far

4 Innings, 3 K's, 0  hits 0 runs 0 walks.

I hope he doesn't get pulled in the fourth.

Nats still up, 2-0.

One out, Ho-Josh with a doub!

Weeeelie!!!

Sharp liner down the first base line, deflected by LaRoche the First into foul territory, Ho-Josh to third, Wee to second with a doub.

Josh Bard, earn your league minimum*!

*He's a free agent, he probably makes more.

And say what you will, he ground to second to get the RBI and move Wee to third. And-Her coming to the plate for a little "please win" action.

Swinging strike after a foul. That swing looked terrible. Jeeze, a grounder would do it.

Ball. And-Her's hitting .283, with ten RBI and fourteen runs scored.

Foul tip, 1-2.

Stammen, favorite Nat ever, leaning on his bat in the on-deck circle. What a stud.

And-Her with a line to center, McTeague (McLouth) snags from his butt , but Wee scores. Two sacs and the Nats ahead. What the team always wanted to hear.

Stammen puts the wood on, getting the ball as far as Jackie Wilson's glove. It's something.

Whoa!!!!!! Nick's Sausage Segway Scooters! Screech from the wheeled future blasting sausage into the crowd. We already had one mishap. Screech has such gaul.

Daniel Cabrera, a new reliever, so to speak, grabs a piece of sausage from the field. Good times.

Thursday Night's alright

Another 3-down inning. Craig Stammen is my favorite National of all time.

Full count to Ho-Josh Willingham. Here's a line for you, .209, 6 HRs, 9 RBI in 82 at-bats.

Draws a walk.

Wee Willie Harris at the plate. The guy is a utility stud; like Tim the Toolman, only no bearded neurotic on his back. Well, maybe Nick Johnson.

Thursday Night's alright for baseball?

15,000, tops for attendance.  Probably 10,000 seated at the moment. Everyone's gettin' chili. I guess.

Stammen at the mound, LaRoche the first at the plate, ball and a strike.

Two balls, strike

Strike swinging. This is our ace.

Grounds to And-Her. Nice.

Thursday Night's Alright

First pitch, called strike, 85 degrees. Good baseball!

Craig Stammen the starter for the night. Never heard of him. He's a (I think) sinkerballer, Balla!

And hell, he got through the first without a hitch. Let's keep him forever.

Bottom of the second, two outs, one strike to Dunn with Johnson at second. Ian Snell, that ol' battleax on the mound.

Wow

First pitch, Willie Harris on with a lead-off single to right. He got on, but who's going to pinch-hit for Hanrahan, who's in the hole?  I guess Ho-Josh Willingham hasn't batted yet. If that happens, I'll be happy. Moreso because someone will get some well-deserved rest from the frightfully-tall mound.

Wil Nieves grounds into Double-play.

Willingham pinch-hits. Looks like it won't matter anyway. Why do people leave in the probable last at-bat? What idiots.

1-2 count. That's it, I'm going to say it: this city, in which I grew up and love so much, does NOT deserve a title in any sport until it stops trying to act like it's LA out here. It's more vacuous than space out here.

Nate McLouth makes the catch against the wall in Center, right in front of the 402 sign.  One of these fans has a Camel Light with my name on it.

See you tomorrow.

Even during Wednesday Night Beisbol, Kids are Stupid

A bunch of kids in the section to the right of the Press Box keep trying galvanize the section to their left into performing a wave. Now, that' stupid to begin with, but these cats don't even realize that Ron Villone, that old Ahab just threw an inning of shutout ball. Not to mention that in the section to their left, there are FOUR people. Hell, they're trying.

Now they're gone. My computer froze and I lost an inning.

Acta brought in Hanrahan, who, somehow, has bases loaded, full count on Moss, 1 out.

Grounds to Johnson, who tosses back to Nieves to force at the plate. Still loaded.

Those kids got my damn head out of the game. Little pricks.

Whoa, a swinging strike on LaRoche the First.

Make That Two!

O-1, 2 outs, full count. Ten or twelve people on their feet.

Ball. 1-2 count. Now, the race for the exits.

Hanrahan with a wild pitch. Run comes in. 2-1 Pirates. Sections vacate as if a fire alarm is sounding.

Now, a 3-2 count.

Foul Ball. What time is it?

Walk to LaRoche the First. Robinson ("Not Einar") Diaz at the plate. I expect nothing, nothing at all.

One ball, one strike.

Saw the pitch on the monitor, definitely a strike.

Swing and a miss, two balls, two strikes.

Grounds to Gunshow Belliard.

People leaving and it's the bottom of the ninth, one run to tie. Ridiculous.  There are the presidents, throwing tee-shirts into the crowd.  I think a prayer at Valley Forge was more effective, George.

Wednesday Night-Tie

Jewish Guzman with a sweet liner to center after And-Her does nothing as a pinch-hitter.

Acta has a quick hook-Lannan gave up one run over six innings and, other than Gunshow's fielding, would have had a 3 up, 3 down inning.

Sanchez with a passed ball, Guzman to second, Nick Johnson with a 2-1 count with one out.

Nick up the elevator shaft to Nyjer Morgan, Zimm on with two outs.

1-1. His cut is so quick.

Strike, 1-2

Flies out to Morgan. Ugh.

Tied, 1-1, end of the seventh.

Wednesday, All Tied Up and nowhere to go

That was a long cigarette break.

Zimm with a perfect play on a hot grounder to get out Nyjer Morgan, but Gunshow Belliard throws the ball wide for a fielder's choice. Bah.

I don't know how you, reader-

ARGH!, Nate McLouth with a grounder up the middle, Jewish Guzman snags it, flips to Belliard who throws low to Nickolai Johnson for another FC. 

-I don't know how you, reader, feels about smoking, but man alive, cigarette bummed tastes way better than cigarette bought. Casino royale.

There we go. Craig Monroe with another shot to Zimmerman, who dives for the catch and tosses him out. Thank you.

Jesse Chavez now on the mound for the Arr! Mateys.

It's the middle of the seventh and we have a shot to win the game. That...................................................................................................................................................................................................................would be nice.

I can't speak highly enough about this:

Every time the Nationals' do well with their gloves, the speakers play sounds from the Original Super Mario. It's terrific. If only this was RBI Baseball and - 

Oh my god, this play has to be seen to be believed.

LaRoche the second on first, Jackie Wilson at the plate, Wilson knocks a liner down the left-field line, Adam Dunn retrieves the ball and hurls it: Ryan Zimmerman, Gunshow Ronnie Belliard and Jewish Guzman all standing at third base, all three stare at the ball as it rolls between them from Dunn, and LaRoche the second scores easily, Jackie Wilson slides needlessly into third, and Ryan, Gunshow and Jewish all turn back to see Jackie dusting himself off. I probably shouldn't be talking, for I stared just as dumbly at the play.

President's Race. All four presidents walking hand-in-hand with the pepperoni's-'scuse me-Perogies or whatever. One of the Perogies, whose name, I think, is Maholo Jalapeno', walks with a purse on one arm and one of those four, even-more dead presidents. Teddy off to the lead, then gets punched in the gut by the Geico Gecko.  The Presidents' race has dissolved into an MMA Match, the Goodwill Games and a Dali' painting all rolled into one. It would have made more sense for Screech the Eagle to shoot Lincoln in the back of the head with an exploding sausage while on a segway.

Sic Semper Tyrannis!

Nothin' doin', top of the fifth, Arr! Mateys ahead by a run, 1-0. Nyjer Morgan pops out, Ol' Fred Sanchez flies to the Maxican. Nate McLouth, whad'dya got?

First pitch...Strike 1

this is something!

Pitch two...Hit McLouth in the shoulder.

Jesus.

Craig Monroe at the plate

Knocks it right to Zimmerman, who pops it up fifteen yards into the air. Why?

LaRoche the first grounds to Gunshow.  Thank you for ending that inning.

Time for a smoke.  Sorry, Kiss Cam.

Wednesday Night Beisbolly Moly

Two on, the first an error on Jackie Wilson, the second a crazy play by Ol' Fred Sanchez that didn't beat the almighty speed of Ryan Zimmerman.

Adam Dunn at the plate, 2-2.

*Stood next to him when he autographed stuff for some bigwigs in the first row during BP. I couldn't make out exactly what he said, but I think it was: "Matt Shirley, I love your blog and I'm also a huge Stendhal, Kubrick, and Rolling Stones fan. Would you like to accompany me to the Palm for Black Label and Black Angus and discuss the finer merits of Nobokov versus Russian counterparts who never left the USSR?"

At least, I think he said that. It was windy.

In the time it took me to write that tripe, Dunn did nothing and Kearns grounded out to end the inning.  What a gip.

Wednesday night fo' Beisbol?

Justin "The Maxican" Maxwell (delicious pun) at the plate now. He's actually a terrific defender, which, hopefully that means he can cover every position...strangely including third; Ryan had an ugly error there in the second.

The Maxican walks!  Jesus in the DL, we've replaced him with Wil, of the Nieves order. Actually, he pounded the ball as well as anyone in BP this afternoon.

Speaking of-

Nieves grounds out, 5-3, pushes two to second and third with two outs, and John Lannan (Imagine!) at the plate.  Stranger things have happened.

Anyway, speaking of which, I had great conversations today with Mr. Kurkjian, whom I'm so glad to see. And just as well, Dave Sheinin of the Washington Post in the clubhouse, and the both of them are just terrific.  That's all I feel right talking about.

John Lannan strikes out to end the bottom of the second. Just Like Starting Over.

Addendum to last post

Gunshow Ronnie Belliard strikes out swinging.

Wednesday Night fo' Beisbol!

Oust-in Kearns (delicious pun) with a single to right, one on for the gunshow, Ronnie Belliard.

Wednesday Night fo' Beisbol!

Hey, we got through the first with only two baserunners left on. John Lannan is studly.

I'm sorry that I'm late my friends, but I had to go deliver a credential to a man who's never before existed. The credential said MASN on the bottom, the acronym meaning Mid-Atlantic Sports Network, the channel (along with Nats television rights) that Bud Selig gave to Peter Angelos to let the Expos come to the Capitol.  So, I take the credential to the MASN truck under the stadium, and the place is built like an aircraft carrier. I delivered the Pirates' roster down there earlier, and I could have said that "Matt Shirley" was starting for them, and thus, Rob Dibble would have talked about my control during the broadcast.

Zimmerman with an error, top of the second

So anyway, I take this credential to the truck, my second visit of the day, and I'm high-fiving and all that, when I show the guys the pass and no one has ever heard of this guy. Then, the game starts, and there's a problem with the MASN broadcast! The Nats game is airing to no one, blacked out on two channels.  Maybe the MASN crew killed this man*, but he was the only one who could run the broadcast. I'm just saying there could be something here.

*I fully retract that statement.

LaRoche the second pops to Justin Maxwell, our CF call-up for Elijah. One on, one out.

Jackie Wilson said*, "I'm-a bunt fo' an out!" and he did.

*Click for delicious pun!

Lannan strikes out Paul Maholm. I'm glad the typical just happened here, down in Natstown.

Tales from the end of life

Johnson walked, or something, took second on defensive indifference (wouldn't you?), Zimmerman flew out, sending Johnson to third, and same with Adam Dunn. Delwyn Young slipped in the outfield and still made the catch. Dunn still scored Johnson.

Two outs, Josh Willingham doubled. Willie Harris with 2 strikes, 2 outs.

I guess Dibble's saying is that "these bats are never out of the game." We pumped fists (that sounds bad) after I gave him a MLB rulebook. Rob Dibble, Jeff Francoeur, Matt Shirley, BFFsFL.

Willie Harris consults the doctor on his thigh, then resumes his AB, still 2 strikes, 2 outs. At least two of those three will reinforce the maxim, "everything happens in threes."

Harris pops out. At least one of those three things happened in a three.

Nats lose. Fan leaves.  Goodnight, my friends.

What is this?

Ramon Vazquez, pinch-hit double.

Someone just yelled: "Hanrahan you're the CLOSER!" Then I heard his friend whisper something and a cat shrieked somewhere in Annapolis.

Joel Hanrahan, our closer: One inning, three earned runs, man on second and a miraculous strike-out on Delwyn.

Now to the bottom of the ninth!

12-6, Pittsburgh ahead.  That's the most redundant thing I've ever typed.

We'll probably score six runs, take it to extra, and well, who knows*.

*I do.

Tales from mistake.

Even I'm erring. It's not Einar Diaz, but Robinson Diaz catching for the Pirates. I get my no-names mixed up.

Joel Hanrahan walked the second batter, and I could make out, in detail, every single heckle. Passed ball moved "A. LaRoche the First" into second, and then he moved to third on Robinson Diaz's ground-out. Then "A. LaRoche the Second" singled to score the Former. All Hail.

Full Count on our Cycle-watch, Jack Wilson.

Nevahmind, he walks. I'm actually somewhat disappointed.

Tales from the spin cycle...

Jack Wilson is five at bats away, and a home run away from the cycle. Don't count it out.

Tales

Josh Bard knocked a RBI double in, and then Ronnie Belliard walked. Two outs, two on, tying run at the plate in Christian Guzman, who grounds to short.

Joel Hanrahan, the fifth reliever of the night, coming in to pitch the top of the ninth. Fans flee, FLEE across the park. Not a single section has more than forty people in it. I just heard someone fart in left field.

Tales from Rout

Delwyn Young just singled to center to score Jack Wilson, and I just heard Charlie Slowes, our colorman say "bugaboo."

The only saving grace is that our fourth reliever of the night, Joe Biemel is coming in to save the day. He comes out to Johnny Cash. This is the only walkout song that I cannot fault. One, of twenty five. Typical odds for this team.

The biggest news ever.

Christian Guzman, all of ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-TWO PLATE APPEARANCES INTO THE SEASON, drew his first walk.

His first walk.

Brad just dropped serious Elias-level facts on me: Alex Sanches went two-hundred and nine plate appearances over three years without a walk, and Craig Robinson went 146 in a single season.

The fact remains, Christian Guzman now has a (infantesimally) higher On-Base Percentage than Batting Average. All flags should be lowered to half-mast across the land.

You could even get the Pirates to chip in for this task, if you know what I mean*.

*Pirates, that's what I mean.

Check Joe Pos to see what I'm talking about in greater, smarter, more verbose, less-disheartened fashion:

http://joeposnanski.com/JoeBlog/2009/05/06/baseball-fun-facts/

Jack Wilson just dropped damn-long triple off of Kip Wells for the first AB of the third. Pinch-hitter Eric Hinske grounded out.

Hey, I remember him!

And here it is!

Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight's attendence!:

14,549!

I'm sure alot of people just paid and then got swine flu at the gate or something.

Brad Bernsen's Press Notes Titles:

Righting their Ship

Craig(s) List

You Don't Know Jack

Classic, all around.

More bad news...

So Ol' Fred Sanchez flied out to right...with Delwyn on first. McLouth knocked a long double to right, scoring Delwyn. Well, Young raced from first to home, and Dunn's throw to the plate...was not caught by Josh Bard, and Delwyn scored easily - then McLouth moved from second to third.

Craig Monroe F-8'ted (or whatever), and took the five-run inning with him. Five runs given up by Mock, Jesus.

Mock

Jesus.

I don't know if there's something there, but it's probably a heavenly conceit.

Call Bill James, Stat*!

*Oh baby, you better believe that pun was intended...sugar.

Ugh Tales

Brandon Moss with a pinch-hit, RBI dou'ble'. Arr's! on top, 6-5. Jesus heals none. He took three fish and five loafs of bread, and sent thousands looking to the exits. Jimmy Swaggart was full of 'S'.

Delwyn Young with a RBI single. Arr's! up, 7-5. One out, 2-1 on Ol' Fred Sanchez.

This is what faith gives you.

Tales from Mock Walks

Walked the first batter on four pitches.

Our scoreboard has "A. LaRoche" at first, hitting fifth, and in the seventh spot, "A. LaRoche." Why?  Why don't we just put "Pirate" instead of names?  No Nats fan is astute enough to know which is Adam and which is Andy, much less that we're even playing the Pirates. Jeez Laweeze.

Mocker just walkered the second batter in a row.

"You suck," said a fan. I had no reply.

5-4 on a sac bunt by "A. LaRoche the Second," his throned brother pushed to third and Einar Diaz, a serf, on second.

Mocker just threw his first striker.

His second, a swinginger striker!

1-2!

Foul Ball!

Technically a strike!

Double for two runs!

Pirates tie the game!

Good idea, go talk to Garrett Mock.

There he goes, boos aplenty (per capita; I didn't hear many but then again, there aren't many here)

Here comes Jesus Colome. Save us, Jesus.

Tales from the Every Time I step away...

Seriously, every time I leave the Press Box the Nats score. They put up Five on Ohlendorfberg while I smoked and ran errands. I'm just going to wheel a chair into the Elevator and ride it up and down to get some wins for the club.

Our eight-thousand in attendance really take to the Nats earning the leads.  Garrett Mock-'n'-Roll is on the mound after Detwiler giving up (only!) 3 in five innings. Let's give these Pirates the Obama-Somali treatment. Well, I don't actually mean shoot them in their heads and rescue their skipper, but you know what I mean.

What do I mean?

Tales from tails.

Jack Wilson just made an unbelievable play on Zimmerman. This is news.

The president's race

There are pepperonis beating the presidents. Thanks, strange cat mascot, for knocking down those Pepperonis and giving Lincoln the win.  I suppose the Pizza toppings are supposed to be the British, and the strange cat is the French Armada, and Teddy Roosevelt represents the Pacifist rejection of war for Independence. What do the segway scooters represent?

Or-

Pirates lead the Nats by three, bottom of the third. We have two hits, and yet somehow Ohlendorfstein is going to get a perfect game out of this. I just know it.

Great New Stat!

The Nationals now have forty errors in thirty-seven games! At least two of those games they didn't even finish.

As I type this, Craig Monroe knocks a three-run shot to center. Thanks, Craig.

Tales from Shut the damn windows.

The Nationals made it through the top of the second with barely any errors. Jack Wilson did reach on an infield dribbler right to And-Her, but at this point I can't expect better.

Josh Bard at the plate, two out, none on. Your move Ohlendorfman.

Tales from Mizz-onday

Well, it's that time again: Guess our attendance!

There are then uninhabited sections at the bottom of the first, with probably about a hundred people milling around the entrance.  My guess is 8,000 total.

Update to follow around the seventh.

Two errors in the first for Ross Detwiler's first start this season, it's the bottom of the inning, and Christian Guzman led off with a GRD and St. Nick got on with his usual "walk" motion. Zimmerman's at the plate with a two-and-two count, and I'm cold as hell.

I guess yesterday was the worst game of the four-game sweep by the coveted Phillies.

3-2 to Zimmerman.

It was just awful all the way around yesterday.

Ross Ohlendorf is taking his time, and the fans are getting restless.

I bet it helped Ohlendorf's confidence that Zimmerman just hit into that double play.  Guz on third, two out, Dunnski at the plate.

-I just said "Dunnski" and for that I'm so sorry. I met a bunch of yeah-dudes who work for the team - you know the kind, they're the ones who never issue pronouns in their sentences, i.e.: "Yeah [may I] get one of them buffalo chicken sandwich-skis? Can [I] get fries? I hate these people. - in the park today and their frat ways shed onto me a little bit.  I need a shower in Hydrogen Peroxide.

Dunn walks. Ho-Josh Willingham at the plate. Two strikes, two outs, two on, probably no runs.

Jesus, Ross Ohlendorf is the slowest, most paranoid pitcher ever. Every motion other than pitching, he oscillates like a secret service agent, breaking stride only to hold up the ball and wipe his forehead. I think he gets batters out just from boredom. It's taken him at least fifteen minutes to get to the fifth batter.

That fifth batter, Willingham, flies out to left center.  Ladies and gentlemen, the big leagues.

Baseball Marathon Addendum

I took a few shots at Phillies fans over the last two days and a few times in this blog, as well as many times over the last few years to friends and what not.

I'm compelled to rescind every bad word I've ever said about them after this weekend, frankly.

It's my deepest wish that Nationals fans could ever find an iota of appreciation or pure love of their team that Phillies fans do of theirs. I always thought that the best bastion of fans in baseball were Red Sox fans, and I still do, but as their fanbase has grown so hip and diluded, the Phillies' base only seems stronger, even softer in a way.

One of my best friends, Khris Flack, was a die-hard who's drifted away at the mercy of his personal aspirations over the years. A few times we had spats on behalf of our clubs, and I held a quiet resentment towards that team for those.

This weekend however, the fans who game for the games were all nice people, respectable, never real fierce or vindictive; all this against the hometown fans' favor.  They knew the players and the game.  I wish this was the real requisite for being a fan, rather than the proxy of paying exorbitant prices and donning off-color regalia.

What really made this though, were the Phillies non-players staff.  These men and women could not have been nicer. I was right outside his room when Harry Kalas passed away, and I think it's fair to say that he left an imprint on the team that he lived for; every single Phillies fan that I met was egregarious and knowledged.  This isn't to take from our own staff, but rather to the staffs of too many visiting teams. It breaks the notion that arrogance follows victory.

The most memorable sight of all though was this afternoon, after the first game in the double-header, I saw one man of both ballclubs-one man, signing autographs.  Jamie Moyer stood out in the sun, while his teammates and opposition were all packed away in their clubhouses, and signed autographs for every single fan I saw out there. I've only seen two players on the Nats ever do that, Mike Bacsik and Chad Cordero, and I they're not even with Major League clubs right now. Talking to John Pratt on the phone, I told him that seeing that sight makes me even more depressed than if no one was out there signing autographs; the contrast is so stark.  The thing of it is that Moyer just fits right in, alongside the rest of that organization insofar as I can tell.

In the end, I respect the Phillies' organization immensely, and it's my great hope that the one I work for can grow in he respecting competitors rather than polar opposites.

They called the Tales from the Game

Well, it's all over now, baby boo.

Tales from the Riot

I went to smoke a cigarette, and it began to rain. I've been here since 9:00, and now there's a rain delay.

I've been in the PR room, stocking books while my cohorts listen to the abyssmal player walk-out music over and over again. "You can do whatever you like," "I Run," "My President is Black," where are the classics?

Tales from Promiseland

  Zimmerman drew a walk to lead off the inning, then Adam struck out on a BS checked-swing called-third strike. Willinghammy then knocks a liner to the left of the thirdbaseman, landing at second and Zimm at third.

It's Willie time*!

*I've said this many times before in an assortment of contexts.

Willie with a two-run single to right!

No. 42 and no. 42 score. That and Willie in the clutch (more or less), and it's de'ja' vu all over again.

Nats now only down by three runs, 7-4! Yeah!

Tales from there's a pile of hair under my chair and still stuck between my fingers from when I yanked it all out

Denial Cabrera walks in a run. He gave up walks around the horn, and now he's 2 and 2 to the pitcher, McCracken. McCracken loudly flies out to Adam Dunn, but that doesn't mean I'm not sick to my stomach.

Thank got we have all those mascots to keep me happy, not to mention relievers who got plenty of practice late last night and early this afternoon.

BAH!

Tales from Circling the Drain

Well, here it is, kids. one out, two hard hits by James Rollins and Chases Buttley and Raul Ibanez at the plate.

Oh wow.

Raul with probably the longest long-ball I've ever seen in this stadium. What did I say? A few innings of smooth sailing, and then it all goes to hell. It's not that he gave up the runs, it's that now the whole team is deflated, and more importantly (!), the fans are deflated. Now Ryan Howard's chipping foul balls like Mulligan day at Camp David.

You'd think he would get a hold of one eventually, as he settles into second with a double.

THE MILK'S GONE BAD!

Tales from whoa, a game.

The Nats are down a run, 3-2, with one on second. Christian Guzman sent one about a yard to the right of the right foul pole, and then dribbled a hit to push Wil Nieves to third and get himself out. This brings me to Christian Guzman, who leads the league in Batting Average, and also has the most plate appearances WITHOUT DRAWING A WALK BY SEVENTY AT-BATS. It's obscene.

I'm sorry for yelling.

Some guy called Carpenter is pitching for the Phils, someone whom I shall refer to as McCracken.

Ugh.

Nick Johnson sends a gift to Ryan Howard, who touches the bag and watches as the baserunner moves from third base to the dugout. FU...dge. Just like Ralphie.  I'll shoot YOUR eye out, McCracken.

Tales of Funny pictures

So the "Nick's Sausage Segway Squad" came out at the end of the second inning on Segway Scooters and shot hot sausage into the crowd. This made me think of other practical uses for electric transportation. I realize quickly that no transport will move as briskly and as often as a baseball lineup facing a bad pitcher, and that got me thinking about the Bailouts. Now these companies have failed. FAILED, and so the last administration and this administration both decide to pour money into those banks anyway, rather than let the house of cards fall to the peanut shells below. I have to stress that I worked for Obama as a lowly canvasser, and I believe he's great, but enfranchising anti-accountability is so ethically short-sighted...all this has to do with baseball somehow. I just know it.

This is unsound because it's bad baseball logic, that we find ourselves following again. Why give bad pitchers contracts? It hurts!

It is as I say this that, Ryan Howard launches Sputnik off of Mr. Cabrera. Phils lead, 3-1.

Oh, and here are some embarrassing pictures of our beloved mascots. Our FIVE mascots:

Below is the coup de grace. The main photo is of Screech, the Nats Mascot. The inset is of the pre-Screech, when they were designing the mascot, knowing that it would be an eagle. They didn't have a design down yet, so they decided to just throw an egg out there to run around the stands, to both stall and build anticipation. This information is mostly fictional, although I'm sure there's truth to it, but the fact is that for a few Dali-esque months in the Summer of '05, there was a giant egg running around Washington D.C. promoting baseball.

Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make vomit?

Ah, here's the president's race now. George in the lead

There's some dude in the race. What, that person's not a president!

What the hell? 

Oh, it was a Phillie fan, and he of long hair lost to Abe Lincoln. I'm sure he was paid to lose, but Jesus, I hear kids saying that things like "Lincoln's not aerodynamic" and "horse**it."

Tales from Limbo

The game ended in one of those losses that make you say: "wow, that team lost."  After this, I took it over to the PR Workroom, my head draped a giveaway tee-shirt, and took a nap. When a fellow intern came in and saw this, he yelled "fire" moments into my nap and thus, I was awake.

Got dinner, not bad.

Then we watched videos on the internet of the Preakness Porta-Potty races, like this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKI28jjrCz4&feature=related

And now the game. Daniel "Denial Cabrera" Cabrera gave up two walks and a hit, but somehow the Nats made it through the first; on top of that, we scored in the first! Ayyy.

Since the Nats game against the Phils on April 15th, Jackie Robinson Day got the usual rainout treatment, they made today the double-header. So the second game, this one, is Jackie Robinson Day. They played a video and gave out buttons with "42" on them, and that's about it. Also, every player on the field wears a jersey that has #42 on the back. This will come in handy later.

So I get to thinking about Jerseys, when my boss Bill points out to me that someone sitting below the Pressbox is wearing a Stephen Strasburg Nats Jersey, with no. 5 on the back. Strasburg is probably the best pitching prospect of the last twenty years, and none other than the Washington Nationals have the first pick of the MLB draft. It's just a little piece of awesome, because he's a symbol of a brighter future for this ball club, which needs all the help it can get.

I sat back and smiled, and then someone in the crowd shouted, "let's go, 42!" Only a few people got it and laughed, me one of them.

Denial gets out of another inning without giving up a run.  What the hell is going on?

Tales from the Ninth.

One on, two out, two strikes to Pinching Elijah Dukes...

Half the crowd on its feet, and Lidge strikes him out.

All I hear is rabid cheering. As the fans break for the exits, I'm suddenly wishing that I stayed in bed.

Tales from the Power Burst

So the Phils score two in the top of the eighth, and the Nats score three in the bottom. It's 8-5 going into the ninth, and it looks like Jesus Colome is coming in, to pitch to Jesus Flores. Jesus pitches to Jesus, sounds like a prayer to me. Can the Nationals do it?

Tune in to the post...that came before you read this one because that's how Blogging works! Imagine if I posted the Sixth Sense script, page by page. It'd be ruined in the first site visit. Ridic!

Tales from I can't believe how much longer this day is going to go...

  Stepped away from the press box for a bit. The secretary at my office, Katelyn showed up to the game, so I sat with her for a bit. What a respite from a four-run deficit that is. Looking to drink tonight...that'll be fun.

It's the top of the seventh, still 6-2. Nick Johnson has had a terrible game, which is really too bad. For as long as the Nats have been here, I believe he and Christian Guzman are the only ones to have remained here since the franchise's first season in DC. It's great to see how well they've done this season, regardless of the record.

I think we're going to see some fainters this game, so I'll keep tabs.

Mock at the mound, Werth at third and two outs. Matt Stairs, that ol' ox, is at the plate, pinch-hitting for Brett "Wife-*****" Myers.

It already feels like a long day, and it's three pm with another game to go.

Tales from-Haha In your face, Rollins!!!!!

James Rollins, 30, was caught stealing second base earlier this afternoon, in an apparent play to move into better scoring position for his team.

"Man, shee-it," James had to say on the subject.

Jesus Flores, age unknown, saw Mr. Rollins begin to break for second base, and knew instantly that there was a thief in the midst of a nice, seemingly-pleasant afternoon baseball game.

His manager, Charlie Manuel, 122, could not be reached for comment, as he thought the baseball game was yesterday.

-----------------------------

Afternoon game, Ohillies fans right alongside the Press box. The great unwashed apparently qualify for drivers' licenses these days.

-------------------

Welcome, Seminar of Reconstructive Dentistry, if I didn't mention you before.

----------------------

Willingham had a one-run shot into the bullpen, and then the Phils scored doing something I wasn't paying attention to. 6-2 Phils. ARGH!

Tales from Cape Canaveral

Raul Ibanez with another home run, this time with two on. Scott Olsen has given up 5 runs by the third inning, and every man in our bullpen got called in last night, and then there's another game today, and not a break until at least the 25th of the month. Bah.

Jayson Werth with a second hit of the game, with Ryan Howard on second. Pedro Feliz, the no. 6 hitter, is hitting .304 this season, and he's facing a lefty.  Christopher Hitchens, tell 'em.

Thank you, Bill James

So I'm in my new favorite used bookstore, Look Again at the corner of Alfred and King in Old Town, and I find a near-mint copy of Bill James' New Historical Baseball Abstract, probably the best baseball book since Halberstam's Summer of '49.  So I thumb through it with my Dad on our way to Mitchey's (my baby brother's) baseball game, when I come across this gem:

"Grafitti Seenin a Baltimore Bathroom

First Handwriting: JESUS IS THE ANSWER

Second Handwriting: What is the question?

Third Handwriting: Who was Matty and Felipe's brother?"

Bottom of the third, And-Her at the plate, still 2-1, with 2 outs and Willie on.

Game notes pun idea: if the Nats lose, "Willie and the Poor Boys"...? Anyone? Anyone?!

Tales from Cape Canaveral...

Still the first game of the double-header.

Three hits, all three home runs.  Raul Julia, then Ryan Zimmerman, then Jayson Werth (who still has two names misspelled).

This will be a long day. At least I have this to keep me company.

Tales from the First Half of the Doubleheader.

Oh my dog, I'm so tired. Why, dog, why?

Thirty Minutes from Saturday Morning Baseball

Well, kids, there's one down in the bottom of the twelfth. The Phillies have ten runs against the Nats' six, it's 11:30 and I'm getting tired.

What a ballgame.

There's no need to continue.  There's two outs now, you know what the deal is. Back to being an employee in five...four...three....

Cacophany War!!

"Let's Go Phillies" Versus "Boo." The winner? I don't know, but my educated guess is the team that just SCORED ON A SINGLE BY IBANEZ.

"Boo" and "Woo?" You're brothers from another mother.

Ooh, Nieves with a throwing error. The tightly-wound tie-game is now 9-6, Phillies.

This is the story of the Washington Nationals...every third (or fourth) inning, what was originally a tight, closely played ballgame is completely unwound by bad pitching and worse errors. Even though, if they didn't have TEN BLOWN SAVES IN THIRTY-TWO GAMES THEY WOULD LEAD THE DIVISION IN WINS, there is a whole disorder about how these innings wear on. It's as inspiring as modern architecture*.

*That means not inspiring, you know, because modern art is not inspiring. "Uninspiring," if you will**.

**Will you***?

***Ok, that's fine.

So screw the cigarette.

I took a leak and grabbed a Sprite. Don't give me that, you wanted to know.

Still Kip Wells in, Ryan Howard at the plate.

At the start of the inning, the PA announcer said that there would be no Fireworks display because it's after 11 PM. People left in droves. DROVES. I'm sorry this isn't Magic Kingdom enough for you people, but there's still an extra-innings baseball game going on, and we could be headed to the greatest thing in sports, the position player Pitching. Nick Swisher performed (as) well (as can be expected for a normal ballplayer, which means he could start for the Yankees), and, oh man, there's one man left in the dugout. If I get to see Josh Bard, the one player left, pitch tonight, I'll die smiling.

It will be as good as the walkoff that I'll never, ever get to see.

Friday Night Baseball - an hour from Saturday Morning Baseball

Phillies at the plate, 2-3-4. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.

One out. Here I go.

Friday Night Baseball - UGH Edition

Ryan strikes out. Bah. Adam Dunn coming to the plate. Show this Happy Chandler the business, Dunnito.

Well?

Dunn strikes out.

Bah.

Friday Night Baseball - Please Win Now Edition

Kippy strikes out Jimmy Rollins. There's hair on my keyboard.

The Nats one-two-three coming in to face J.A. Happ.

Guzman with a single, Nick struck out (what?)

Ryan at the plate. Get me out of here.

Friday Night Baseball - More Extra with every bite.

This being as large a crowd as it is, there are a quite many vehement fans, pro-Nationals, in the stands. It's inspiring, but since there's either rabid, in-sync cheering, or silence, thus, everything some of these yokels say is totally audible. I especially like when they cheer: "Strike Out," rather than "Strike Him Out." They're addressing the batter rather than the reliever, as if the batter's going to say, "hmm, maybe I WILL strike out!"  

Top of the eleventh, one on, Chris Coste drops a hit to right-center and Peed-ro Feliz (get it?) moves to third. Two outs, J-Roll at the plate. Kip Wells, I told you this in Reno and I'll tell you it now, "Pay her in cash and get the hell out of there.*"

*I never said any such thing.

Friday Night Baseball...another Extra.

Joel Hanrahan, who was actually pitching well, gets pinch-hit for by Ronnie Belliard, who takes a mere one pitch to ground out to Pedro Feliz.

Here comes Kip Wells, the last man in the bullpen. If there was a Bullpen Derby, the Nats would win; they've got more cameos than a Mike Myers movie.

Boo-yah!!!!! Take that, Mike Myers!!!!!!!!

Friday Night Baseball - Extra Edition

One out, one on for the Phils in the tenth.

Looking out into the bullpen, I realized that Manny Acta has used every single one of his relievers save for Kip Wells, the night before a double-header.

Space.

Next subject.

Hanrahan strikes out Ryan Howard. Nice. I think he's just set-up man material. I chew my fingers when he's closing but otherwise, he is quite effective. I'm too lazy to look up stats on that one, so I'll just make that blanket statement and move on.  Hey, I could work for ESPN!

Hanrahan strikes out Jayson Werth. That's what you get for having two names misspelled, kid.

Friday Night game

This is like that time I hit that car and drove off.  My heart is racing.

And Kearns strikes out........it's probably over...tie game into the tenth. Poor Brad Bernsen.

Ahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Willie Harris with a Triple to the gap!!!!!!!!!! Scores Dunn and Zimm, blows the save!

Austin Kearns, get a single!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry, that's Willie Harris at the plate, not El Dukie

Friday Night Baseball Phillies at Nationals

Ryan's on base!

One out

Checked swing, Dunn runs it out!!!!

Two out, two on, Elijah Dukes at the plate.

Make your name!!!!!

Friday Night Game Phillies at Nationals

Nick with a walk!!!

RYAN!!!!!!!!!!  Let's do it baby, by which I mean, please, for Christ's sake, don't hit into a Double-play.

Friday Night Game

Guzman down. Let's go, Nick!

Three balls, one strike on Nick!

Addendum to last post

"How about 'Raul I-Fonz...Ayyy!'"

Brad giggled, then looked away.

Friday Night Game, Phillies at Nationals

Thoughts on the Post-Game Notes. Anyone for Puns?

Raul Ibanez and Ryan Howard are leading the team to a win tonight, so here are the thoughts:

"Howard You Doing?" - Brad Bernsen, classic

"The Phillies G-RAUL-ing...Grrr!" - Matt Shirley

"Ryan and Carol and Raul and Alice" - Matt Shirley (didn't suggest it-no one will ever get it)

"Ibanez Strums the Nats" - Matt Shirley

"Phillies D-Raul (as in "drool") for the Win." - Matt Shirley (in the case of Matt Stairs, this is always true)

"Raul Python: The Life of Ryan" - Matt Shirley

"Raul of Thumb" - Brad Bernsen.  That's probably the one. Screw Ryan Howard

Oh, they're bringing in Joel Hanrahan. Now we're safe*.

* See below for meaning.

Friday Night Baseball.

Oh goody, it's Matt Stairs.

Phillies at Nats-I don't know how to name these things.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the game.  It's the top of the seventh, and the Nationals are up by a run, 4-3. 

a;fkb;asb;pb[b[buovw[bDVW[OBFV[BUOAF[BUFVBUOFS]BUOFBU[OFB[OBIUAEBF[BUOAEFBU[OAB[UOAFSBJ[AFB

Ryan Howard just hit a three-run shot off Joe Beimel, our BEST reliever. The lead is gone, and the crowd, many of whom were on the fence for which team they would rather hop on the bandwagon of, have all cascaded into the Phillies camp with the virtuousity one might call the Washington Slide. Arlen Specter, you're not alone.

Garrett Mock allowed Lannan's baserunners to score - that's typical, but Papa Joe Beimel? NOooooooo.

Tonight's attendence, 23,000+. I think that's the second most-attended game.

Now the circus is in town. Beimel gave up a hit to Ibanez after the HR by Howard and Werth striking out, then Nick Johnson fobbled an easy pop-out, then gave up a hit to Feliz. Thank dog we have Julian Tavarez to clean everything up.

Turnstile baseball. So glad we have Phillies fans to laugh and curse around children and be overweight. Thanks, Philly!

Friday 15 May, Tales from the OMG How did I forget to mention?!

Holy hell, I forgot to remark upon the greatest grassroots campaign since Turok Obama, Dinosaur Hunter*: Vote Thrilledge.

"Lastings Milledge" is printed on every All-Star Ballot, since he was thought of to possibly have a breakout season (he did lead the Nats in HRs and RBI last season, but if you look at the stats, you'll see that this means very little). Now, if you've followed ball an iota you know that Milledge not only started poorly, but is in fact middling somewhere in Syracuse, having broken a finger in AAA and placed on the DL.

This being said, Lastings Milledge needs to be on the 2009 National League All-Star Team.

It's hysterical.  My old friend Johnny Pratt told me about it, and a few outlets have picked it up from where it originated, The SOSH (Sons of Sam Horn) New England Message Board. Since then, it's gained more steam than Carrie Prejean, and only marginally less divisive.  Obviously, Selig will step in, you know, like he's so known to do**, and halt this train, but it's hysterical anyhow, and I'm punching ballots, fifteen-thick, and pouring them into the boxes to see this happen. You should, too.

Here's some information from someone's who's more respected than I am. I'm not complaining. Respect is a poor man's wealth.

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/baseball-insider/2009/05/the_lastings_milledge_all-star.html

*I worked for him - that's not out of disrespect, I've just wanted to use that pun ever since the DNC in Boston of '04

**That was so sarcasm.

Friday 15 May, Tales from the Press Box, 1

It's Friday!

What a crap week.  Thank dog I'm at the ballpark.

First point: I can't stand when a pitcher is referred to as a workhorse. Joe Blanton is on the mound for the Phils right now, a banner workhorse since, I don't know, Livan Hernandez, and I think it's moronic.  What the hell is the point of 220 innings of 6 ERA ball?  Why, dog, why?

It's almost as bad as calling a player "sexy." Ugh .

Nationals trainee, (the first in a chain of my bosses) Brad Bernsen contributed to this report. Johnson at second, Dunn drew a walk to push him up. Dukes strikes out and that's the first. See you in nothin.

13 May 2009 - Wednesday

  Holy shitbox, yesterday was a bad day.  Now, generally, Zimmerman's streak ending and the Caps losing game seven on the same day would be terrible; those barely registered next to the morning of the very day. 

What stands above all is the funeral for John Sable, my old best friend's dad. It would be wrong to talk too much about it, but he was a great man and he should still be alive. His family radiates strength like none I've ever seen, and Joey, my old friend has got the toughest person I've ever met.  Where all were morose over the senseless loss to medical incompetence, Joey took only two sentences to make us laugh, and remind us that John spent his last months suffering and now the pain is gone.  Obviously my thoughts are with the family, but knowing them well, my thoughts stand for very little against their decency and resilience; they are going to be fine, and John just as much as his wife (Joey's mother) are the people to credit for that.

That's all I have to say about the Sables, other than that I simply love them and am proud to have known John.

My Submissions to MattWietersFacts.com

If you haven't been to www.mattwietersfacts.com, just go ahead and do it now. The posts really are sensational; it's just consistent baseball comedy all in the name of Matt Wieters, a switch-hitting catcher in the Orioles system who's receiving tremendous notices for his talent and ability. If you like baseball and you haven't heard of him, go to hell.

Sorry, that was harsh. He's going to be the best. I'm done explaining myself.

Here are some Matt Wieters facts I sent to the website above. Hope you enjoy:

When Pope John Paul II died, Matt Wieters was offered Pope-hood. He turned it down to push his "turning down the Pope-hood" streak to 11 times.

Matt Wieters once scored a touchdown, a hat trick and shot 17 for the course at Augusta during a seventh-inning stretch.

If you look closely enough at an episode of "Mr. Ed," from the Horse's ass you'll see an outstretched arm, attached to a ventriliquizing Matt Wieters.

Matt Wieters is so powerful, Jor-El didn't even send him in the rocket ship, he just told Matt to jump. The spaceship and the cape are products of political correctness.

In 1929, the Stock Market crashed because Matt Wieters took it out drinking. Matt got home fine, with Claudette Colbert on his massive, massive arm.

Once trying to see what it's like to be normal, Matt Wieters filled the grand canyon with his urine then flushed it by sneezing.

Matt Wieters name never appears with apostrophies; everything that ever was or is or will be belongs to him.

Mentioning Matt Wieters in any college paper automatically leads to an "A." While at Harvard, the only words Teddy Roosevelt wrote on papers that weren't "Matt Wieters" were the two words in his name. The top of ever paper read "Matt WietersTheodore RooseveltMatt Wieters."

Matt Wieters once acted upon sympathy he felt for a blind, limbless young Ethiopian child. That child's name was Babe Ruth.

Matt Wieters is so good at his fundamentals, Osama bin Laden keeps a picture of him in his wallet.

Matt Wieters once tripped in 1896. By no coincidence, a hundred years later TWA 800 crashed.

Bill James rewrote the Historical Baseball Abstract to include "Matt Wieters" in every sentence. Hank Aaron retired with 641 Wieters Shares

Matt Wieters once thought for a millisecond and LexisNexis appeared on the internet in the next millisecond

In his first season, Matt Wieters will win the Cy Young for throwing out every baserunner who ever dared make contact in front of him. He will win MLB Manager of the Year because he moonlights as a manager a Fudrucker's in Bethesda.

Matt Wieters once coughed in Montreal, and the next day the Expos moved to Washington DC.

That's it, I'm out. Hope a few are useable.

Thanks,

Matt Shirley
mattshirley.blogspot.com
MattorShirley on Twitter
(it seems necessary to mention all that)