Friday Night Baseball.

Oh goody, it's Matt Stairs.

Phillies at Nats-I don't know how to name these things.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the game.  It's the top of the seventh, and the Nationals are up by a run, 4-3. 

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Ryan Howard just hit a three-run shot off Joe Beimel, our BEST reliever. The lead is gone, and the crowd, many of whom were on the fence for which team they would rather hop on the bandwagon of, have all cascaded into the Phillies camp with the virtuousity one might call the Washington Slide. Arlen Specter, you're not alone.

Garrett Mock allowed Lannan's baserunners to score - that's typical, but Papa Joe Beimel? NOooooooo.

Tonight's attendence, 23,000+. I think that's the second most-attended game.

Now the circus is in town. Beimel gave up a hit to Ibanez after the HR by Howard and Werth striking out, then Nick Johnson fobbled an easy pop-out, then gave up a hit to Feliz. Thank dog we have Julian Tavarez to clean everything up.

Turnstile baseball. So glad we have Phillies fans to laugh and curse around children and be overweight. Thanks, Philly!

Friday 15 May, Tales from the OMG How did I forget to mention?!

Holy hell, I forgot to remark upon the greatest grassroots campaign since Turok Obama, Dinosaur Hunter*: Vote Thrilledge.

"Lastings Milledge" is printed on every All-Star Ballot, since he was thought of to possibly have a breakout season (he did lead the Nats in HRs and RBI last season, but if you look at the stats, you'll see that this means very little). Now, if you've followed ball an iota you know that Milledge not only started poorly, but is in fact middling somewhere in Syracuse, having broken a finger in AAA and placed on the DL.

This being said, Lastings Milledge needs to be on the 2009 National League All-Star Team.

It's hysterical.  My old friend Johnny Pratt told me about it, and a few outlets have picked it up from where it originated, The SOSH (Sons of Sam Horn) New England Message Board. Since then, it's gained more steam than Carrie Prejean, and only marginally less divisive.  Obviously, Selig will step in, you know, like he's so known to do**, and halt this train, but it's hysterical anyhow, and I'm punching ballots, fifteen-thick, and pouring them into the boxes to see this happen. You should, too.

Here's some information from someone's who's more respected than I am. I'm not complaining. Respect is a poor man's wealth.

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/baseball-insider/2009/05/the_lastings_milledge_all-star.html

*I worked for him - that's not out of disrespect, I've just wanted to use that pun ever since the DNC in Boston of '04

**That was so sarcasm.

Friday 15 May, Tales from the Press Box, 1

It's Friday!

What a crap week.  Thank dog I'm at the ballpark.

First point: I can't stand when a pitcher is referred to as a workhorse. Joe Blanton is on the mound for the Phils right now, a banner workhorse since, I don't know, Livan Hernandez, and I think it's moronic.  What the hell is the point of 220 innings of 6 ERA ball?  Why, dog, why?

It's almost as bad as calling a player "sexy." Ugh .

Nationals trainee, (the first in a chain of my bosses) Brad Bernsen contributed to this report. Johnson at second, Dunn drew a walk to push him up. Dukes strikes out and that's the first. See you in nothin.

13 May 2009 - Wednesday

  Holy shitbox, yesterday was a bad day.  Now, generally, Zimmerman's streak ending and the Caps losing game seven on the same day would be terrible; those barely registered next to the morning of the very day. 

What stands above all is the funeral for John Sable, my old best friend's dad. It would be wrong to talk too much about it, but he was a great man and he should still be alive. His family radiates strength like none I've ever seen, and Joey, my old friend has got the toughest person I've ever met.  Where all were morose over the senseless loss to medical incompetence, Joey took only two sentences to make us laugh, and remind us that John spent his last months suffering and now the pain is gone.  Obviously my thoughts are with the family, but knowing them well, my thoughts stand for very little against their decency and resilience; they are going to be fine, and John just as much as his wife (Joey's mother) are the people to credit for that.

That's all I have to say about the Sables, other than that I simply love them and am proud to have known John.

My Submissions to MattWietersFacts.com

If you haven't been to www.mattwietersfacts.com, just go ahead and do it now. The posts really are sensational; it's just consistent baseball comedy all in the name of Matt Wieters, a switch-hitting catcher in the Orioles system who's receiving tremendous notices for his talent and ability. If you like baseball and you haven't heard of him, go to hell.

Sorry, that was harsh. He's going to be the best. I'm done explaining myself.

Here are some Matt Wieters facts I sent to the website above. Hope you enjoy:

When Pope John Paul II died, Matt Wieters was offered Pope-hood. He turned it down to push his "turning down the Pope-hood" streak to 11 times.

Matt Wieters once scored a touchdown, a hat trick and shot 17 for the course at Augusta during a seventh-inning stretch.

If you look closely enough at an episode of "Mr. Ed," from the Horse's ass you'll see an outstretched arm, attached to a ventriliquizing Matt Wieters.

Matt Wieters is so powerful, Jor-El didn't even send him in the rocket ship, he just told Matt to jump. The spaceship and the cape are products of political correctness.

In 1929, the Stock Market crashed because Matt Wieters took it out drinking. Matt got home fine, with Claudette Colbert on his massive, massive arm.

Once trying to see what it's like to be normal, Matt Wieters filled the grand canyon with his urine then flushed it by sneezing.

Matt Wieters name never appears with apostrophies; everything that ever was or is or will be belongs to him.

Mentioning Matt Wieters in any college paper automatically leads to an "A." While at Harvard, the only words Teddy Roosevelt wrote on papers that weren't "Matt Wieters" were the two words in his name. The top of ever paper read "Matt WietersTheodore RooseveltMatt Wieters."

Matt Wieters once acted upon sympathy he felt for a blind, limbless young Ethiopian child. That child's name was Babe Ruth.

Matt Wieters is so good at his fundamentals, Osama bin Laden keeps a picture of him in his wallet.

Matt Wieters once tripped in 1896. By no coincidence, a hundred years later TWA 800 crashed.

Bill James rewrote the Historical Baseball Abstract to include "Matt Wieters" in every sentence. Hank Aaron retired with 641 Wieters Shares

Matt Wieters once thought for a millisecond and LexisNexis appeared on the internet in the next millisecond

In his first season, Matt Wieters will win the Cy Young for throwing out every baserunner who ever dared make contact in front of him. He will win MLB Manager of the Year because he moonlights as a manager a Fudrucker's in Bethesda.

Matt Wieters once coughed in Montreal, and the next day the Expos moved to Washington DC.

That's it, I'm out. Hope a few are useable.

Thanks,

Matt Shirley
mattshirley.blogspot.com
MattorShirley on Twitter
(it seems necessary to mention all that)

Joba Chamberlain:

Joba's Mom (?)

Family that Prays together, Stays together.

Hahahahah

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/05/AR2009050500364.html

She looks just like him!

Why I hate Verizon.

This is a letter I wrote to George Viccaro, the founder of verizonmath.blogspot.com, in which he posts the madness that is Verizon Bills and what not. I, unfortunately use Verizon for my cell phone because I'm on a family plan that my dad's accountant signed us up for. I like the phone and hate the service, as well as the corporation. This is my story.

George Viccaro, Hey, I'm Matt Shirley, a PR employee with a firm in Alexandria, Va, and a PR intern with The Washington Nationals baseball club. I listened to your Verizon calls on Youtube.com and think it's amazing of you to post that stuff, as well as devote so much to a website that dices so much idiocy within that corporation. I have a personal story concerning the Verizon fios stuff that's not so much mathematically inclined, save for the fact that I hate them %100 more than I ever did before.  

My family's home is in a neighborhood that has a board of advisors; it's a moronic, oppressive group of no-nothings who live to see thier children blonde and cute and their wallets swell - not in that order. The head of the board is a judge who was caught numerous times smoking weed with a friend of mine and some other wives and emasculated fathers and what not-he signed a deal with Verizon to get service at his home for Verizon products whereby Verizon comes into the neighborhood, and installs Verizon boxes in everybody's lawn. With blessed Eminent Domain as their flag, one fat, mustached white man and a fleet of Hispanic laborers spent weeks carving out every yard in the sixty+ home neighborhood, installing wires and boxes into everybody's yard. My mother is half-Hispanic, and thus her children are a quarter's worth-we were so offended that we tried to appeal to our percentaged countrymen to cease and desist from ruining the lawn and installing an unsightly box in a pretty clearing of yard. All we heard in response to our cries was "porque'?"  

So one day we conspired to halt production. I suggested that when they leave for the day (after trashing the yard with wrappers, big gulps and cigarette butts), we modify the Mafioso sign of a fish in the mail to putting rows for tacos in the Verizon box, but we couldn't pry it open. Instead, my father walked out to the lawn at 11 at night with the hose and filled the box with water, damaging spare electronics inside. We received a notice from Verizon saying that we were in violation of Corporate Eminent Domain, and that we had no rights to the two-yards' width to our property that runs alongside the road, plus the area that the box comprised. My father is a politician, and this sent him into a nose-flared tizzy, and he demanded to meet with the Verizon brass that approved the installation or else he would shoot the next Verizon employee he saw more than two yards up on his property. Verizon then met held a "Townhall" meeting mid-day on a Monday afternoon to explain the process and what not. My Dad called the bluff and attended, where he and a few other irate men were the only homeowners in the neighborhood who weren't on Verizon's payroll. At the meeting they learned nothing from the spokesman, who was without logic, reason, or understanding of these mens' emotions ("We're here to share your land"). The judge who signed the deal stood next to the spokesman, and endorsed Verizon's plan to buy out everyone's current communications systems, pack the land so no other carrier could conceiveably install their own systems (not that we would ever hope for that), then sell their plans to homeowners for prices higher than most!  

My Dad virtually went brain-dead for a few moments in disgust, but learned that he couldn't do anything because the neighborhood board signed a deal with Verizon, selling everyone up river. Since the installation, our cable system, Cox Cable is noticeably clunkier and our internet phases in and out of service whereas before it was just fine. After the corporate Communism of the Bush administration moving right into what he believes is actual Communism of the Obama administration (the fact that I worked for Obama is something he laughs at daily; god love the old man), he's shedding all his political ties, flipping his middle finger to the area and moving to a massive home on 25 acres in the middle of Virginia. As for the house in the neighborhood, sometimes can be found, standing on the lawn with a cigarette and the hose, drowning the Verizon box. He plans on renting out the house for awhile before selling it after he moves. For his renters, he's looking for the loudest, dirtiest bunch of heathens to take over the place and drive the filthy bastards of the neighborhood insane. When he moves out of the neighborhood eventually, he's taking that fucking Verizon box with him. I know it'll make my family very happy to see it come along on the trip - especially when all that's left in the yard is a pool filled with tacos and a sign that says: "Powered by Verizon."

This is all I have to say on the subject.

http://sports.yahoo.com/fantasy/blog/roto_arcade/post/Strasburg-tosses-17-K-no-hitter-Boras-to-Nats-;_ylt=AsmGJRjWeaCk4Hbxoh9S.ki5bZ8u?urn=fantasy,162310