If you haven't been to www.mattwietersfacts.com, just go ahead and do it now. The posts really are sensational; it's just consistent baseball comedy all in the name of Matt Wieters, a switch-hitting catcher in the Orioles system who's receiving tremendous notices for his talent and ability. If you like baseball and you haven't heard of him, go to hell.
Sorry, that was harsh. He's going to be the best. I'm done explaining myself.
Here are some Matt Wieters facts I sent to the website above. Hope you enjoy:
When Pope John Paul II died, Matt Wieters was offered Pope-hood. He turned it down to push his "turning down the Pope-hood" streak to 11 times.
Matt Wieters once scored a touchdown, a hat trick and shot 17 for the course at Augusta during a seventh-inning stretch.
If you look closely enough at an episode of "Mr. Ed," from the Horse's ass you'll see an outstretched arm, attached to a ventriliquizing Matt Wieters.
Matt Wieters is so powerful, Jor-El didn't even send him in the rocket ship, he just told Matt to jump. The spaceship and the cape are products of political correctness.
In 1929, the Stock Market crashed because Matt Wieters took it out drinking. Matt got home fine, with Claudette Colbert on his massive, massive arm.
Once trying to see what it's like to be normal, Matt Wieters filled the grand canyon with his urine then flushed it by sneezing.
Matt Wieters name never appears with apostrophies; everything that ever was or is or will be belongs to him.
Mentioning Matt Wieters in any college paper automatically leads to an "A." While at Harvard, the only words Teddy Roosevelt wrote on papers that weren't "Matt Wieters" were the two words in his name. The top of ever paper read "Matt WietersTheodore RooseveltMatt Wieters."
Matt Wieters once acted upon sympathy he felt for a blind, limbless young Ethiopian child. That child's name was Babe Ruth.
Matt Wieters is so good at his fundamentals, Osama bin Laden keeps a picture of him in his wallet.
Matt Wieters once tripped in 1896. By no coincidence, a hundred years later TWA 800 crashed.
Bill James rewrote the Historical Baseball Abstract to include "Matt Wieters" in every sentence. Hank Aaron retired with 641 Wieters Shares
Matt Wieters once thought for a millisecond and LexisNexis appeared on the internet in the next millisecond
In his first season, Matt Wieters will win the Cy Young for throwing out every baserunner who ever dared make contact in front of him. He will win MLB Manager of the Year because he moonlights as a manager a Fudrucker's in Bethesda.
Matt Wieters once coughed in Montreal, and the next day the Expos moved to Washington DC.
That's it, I'm out. Hope a few are useable.
Thanks,
Matt Shirley
mattshirley.blogspot.com
MattorShirley on Twitter
(it seems necessary to mention all that)
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