This is a letter I wrote to George Viccaro, the founder of verizonmath.blogspot.com, in which he posts the madness that is Verizon Bills and what not. I, unfortunately use Verizon for my cell phone because I'm on a family plan that my dad's accountant signed us up for. I like the phone and hate the service, as well as the corporation. This is my story.
My family's home is in a neighborhood that has a board of advisors; it's a moronic, oppressive group of no-nothings who live to see thier children blonde and cute and their wallets swell - not in that order. The head of the board is a judge who was caught numerous times smoking weed with a friend of mine and some other wives and emasculated fathers and what not-he signed a deal with Verizon to get service at his home for Verizon products whereby Verizon comes into the neighborhood, and installs Verizon boxes in everybody's lawn. With blessed Eminent Domain as their flag, one fat, mustached white man and a fleet of Hispanic laborers spent weeks carving out every yard in the sixty+ home neighborhood, installing wires and boxes into everybody's yard. My mother is half-Hispanic, and thus her children are a quarter's worth-we were so offended that we tried to appeal to our percentaged countrymen to cease and desist from ruining the lawn and installing an unsightly box in a pretty clearing of yard. All we heard in response to our cries was "porque'?"
So one day we conspired to halt production. I suggested that when they leave for the day (after trashing the yard with wrappers, big gulps and cigarette butts), we modify the Mafioso sign of a fish in the mail to putting rows for tacos in the Verizon box, but we couldn't pry it open. Instead, my father walked out to the lawn at 11 at night with the hose and filled the box with water, damaging spare electronics inside. We received a notice from Verizon saying that we were in violation of Corporate Eminent Domain, and that we had no rights to the two-yards' width to our property that runs alongside the road, plus the area that the box comprised. My father is a politician, and this sent him into a nose-flared tizzy, and he demanded to meet with the Verizon brass that approved the installation or else he would shoot the next Verizon employee he saw more than two yards up on his property. Verizon then met held a "Townhall" meeting mid-day on a Monday afternoon to explain the process and what not. My Dad called the bluff and attended, where he and a few other irate men were the only homeowners in the neighborhood who weren't on Verizon's payroll. At the meeting they learned nothing from the spokesman, who was without logic, reason, or understanding of these mens' emotions ("We're here to share your land"). The judge who signed the deal stood next to the spokesman, and endorsed Verizon's plan to buy out everyone's current communications systems, pack the land so no other carrier could conceiveably install their own systems (not that we would ever hope for that), then sell their plans to homeowners for prices higher than most!
My Dad virtually went brain-dead for a few moments in disgust, but learned that he couldn't do anything because the neighborhood board signed a deal with Verizon, selling everyone up river. Since the installation, our cable system, Cox Cable is noticeably clunkier and our internet phases in and out of service whereas before it was just fine. After the corporate Communism of the Bush administration moving right into what he believes is actual Communism of the Obama administration (the fact that I worked for Obama is something he laughs at daily; god love the old man), he's shedding all his political ties, flipping his middle finger to the area and moving to a massive home on 25 acres in the middle of Virginia. As for the house in the neighborhood, sometimes can be found, standing on the lawn with a cigarette and the hose, drowning the Verizon box. He plans on renting out the house for awhile before selling it after he moves. For his renters, he's looking for the loudest, dirtiest bunch of heathens to take over the place and drive the filthy bastards of the neighborhood insane. When he moves out of the neighborhood eventually, he's taking that fucking Verizon box with him. I know it'll make my family very happy to see it come along on the trip - especially when all that's left in the yard is a pool filled with tacos and a sign that says: "Powered by Verizon."
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